"...his heart grew three times that day." - dr. seuss

Meet our Dr. Seuss Crew :D

Adam & I, Carson our "Cat in the Hat," 

Devyn(wearing hat) & Gavyn our twins...
"Thing 1 & Thing 2," 

& Nevaeh our "Cindy Lou Who."

If I could only express the priceless

rarity of this photo & what it captures... 

lol, I have it!!

An article I read a few weeks ago while in the

waiting area at the twins' therapy group, 

was about Matt Damon on being a father to 

four girls. He said, "The only way I can describe

it- at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, 

you know how his heart grows like five times?

Everything is full; it's just full all the time!"

I couldn't have described it better :)

"constructive criticism"

Another FB post, a good reminder for my amnesia-like mind ;)

As a Momma of special needs children I am no stranger to getting "the eye" in public, or the occasional "constructive criticism" on how I should be disciplining more to fix the behavior or other such things. Living this long enough I know that they just haven't been blessed with the opportunity to understand the truth & I no longer feel the urge to smack them around ;) (Thank you Jesus). What looks like an all-out tantrum to them is really my son responding in pain to the fluorescent lighting & the whirring noises it makes or other triggers. 

On another note, accepting help in-home, stirs a bit of anxiety beings this recovering OCD perfectionist has no choice but to accept where we are in life (again, Thank you Jesus) a military, special needs family of six. Things can't be just so & that's okay...I am learning to be at peace with that, cuz we have bigger fish to fry. Still working on letting go of other people seeing & thinking I'm going be judged when, most of the time, it is really just my assumption or that I'm judging myself. 

Now for confidence, I am very comfortable working behind the scenes. God has other plans it seems. I've had to work through some past experiences & learn to advocate (stand up for what is true & right)& claim confidence in who I am in Christ. Best example coming to mind is Francesca Battistelli's lyrics..."I've got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans. Trying to fit the pieces together but perfection is my enemy. On my own I'm so clumsy but on His shoulders I can see...I'm free to be me."

agape or "es-cah-pay"

another Facebook post from the summer... something I could probably use to read everyday as quickly as I give in to reacting instead of stepping back... I'm learning ;)

if/then love vs. unconditional(agape)love- many of us, at one point or another, have a self-serve love mentality. If you do this for me, then I will be loving, kind, & "maybe" giving back to you ;P If you read my mind on where I want to go for dinner, or read my mind about the gift I've been wanting for my birthday, then you must be the most amazing, telepathic husband on earth and you earn the "no-nag card" for a day.  Lol...yes, I'm making fun of my immaturity at the early stages of marriage. Cut me some slack I was a young bride. My excuse now is I'm human & yes, I screw up ;) The point is it is selfish & doesn't satisfy "The Golden Rule"...paraphrased, "treat others the way you want to be treated."

Unconditional(Agape)love- (pronunciation rhymes with Dory's pronunciation of escape,
"es-cah-pay" on Finding Nemo, which is ironically exactly what you feel like doing when you don't feel love) The best definition I know is from the HAPC volunteer handbook on 1Cor.13..."love bears all things (never gives up on any individual), because love believes (has confidence in the all-sufficient grace of God. No matter what the dilemma or sin, God is greater), as love believes & has confidence in God's ability to miraculously change a life, this gives hope despite the person or situation. Because love believes, love has hope, & because love has hope, love can endure all things, & when love endures, love never fails (agape, unconditional)!! This really helped me to see my marriage, my kids, & well everybody through God's eyes. 

Adam and I have experienced a lot of situations throughout our marriage, we've had highs & lows & then some ;) God has shown His mercy time & time again & not only brought us through, but given us an agape love!! The world's statistics say 1 in 10 military marriages end in divorce & the rate for special needs parents is around 85-90%.  We're beating the odds everyday :D Mark 9:23 says..."all things are possible to him who believes." Just like anything else, we have to choose it & take action & be self-less, not selfish.

"sometimes saying no means saying yes to something else"

God has ridiculously blessed me with amazing friends... those who know practically everything about me, even the darkest parts, & they never left my side & still put up with me ;) 

After a day like today, a day where I trusted that all would be okay if I walked inside for just a sec from where Devyn was playing in the backyard... "he's been doing great lately" was my rationale. I wish I would get it through my thick skull that you can never let your guard down, never. Devyn has a more severe form of Autism, he is non-verbal & prone to wander off with no sense of danger.  We have experienced a few elopements, most of the time we are just a few steps behind but there have been 3 now that have made us have to rethink our safety plans. One landed us in the emergency room, one involved a 45min police/neighbor/family search, & today, thankfully, our sweet neighbor found him within 15mins. Thank God for His help to focus & not let emotion get in the way. Once the adrenaline wears off, like it is now...everything floods in. What is wrong with me to think I could chance that? Why does my son have to struggle with this? Why can't I figure out how to talk to him & help him understand? What if he figures out the windows & the locks? Will the alarms be effective? 

Another crazy situation arose not long after the "Devyn incident" in where I should have exercised my "no" skills immediately. I thought I could help & it would be a good thing. Ehhh wrong!! I win the stupid award. First thing that hit my mind was my friend's line, "sometimes saying no means saying yes to something else." In this case, saying yes to using my brain :/

So back to my point, after a day like today...the one's that stop you in your tracks & force you to re-evaluate, it's time to pull out the resources before "Dark Alley Beth" takes over: reflect on encouraging words from friends, take the instant feed of negative thoughts captive to Christ (2Cor. 10:5) & replace them with truth (John 8:32) as often as it takes. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." That answers some of the "why's" & "what if's". Sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing, but God says "seventy times seven"...Matt 18:21-22. Phil 1:6 & 4:13 & 2Cor 12:9, shoot out the monster thought saying I'm not equipped or good enough. Now to squash the rest, Phil 4:6-7 says, ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

"let go of what used to be & embrace what can be." -monica

I think this phrase is best described by the lyrics of a song by Laura Story. It opened my eyes to a more positive perspective about situations that seem to derail all of our future plans. Like my sister would say, "sometimes when words fail, music speaks" ;) 

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep 

We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

encouragement from my betty :)

Dearest Beth, 

(statement from a speech therapist)
When talking to her client about her son who can’t speak yet: “Most children’s minds are like a highway. Their brain gets a message to speak or eat and it is a fast ride straight to their mouths. But your son, his mind is more like beautiful back country roads with twists and bends, hills and sunsets. His mind gets the message, but often times we take the wrong road trying to get to his mouth. All we have to do is keep trying different roads. We will find the one that leads to his mouth.”

Redefined

taking a breather for a minute to share this amazing & fascinating little guy. Autism & it's incredible complexity has completely transformed our family, it challenges me to my core, it has chipped away & pressed us to purge so many negative, selfish attitudes.... they definitely rear their heads whenever they get the chance, like it did for me last night. So I'm nipping it in the bud right now. 

We are still learning to redefine spending time as a family, learning to have fun in creative, out-of-the-box ways. We may not be a family of rock climbers or hikers like our plans detailed. At this point we have to have back up & bail out plans whenever we leave the house. It's not what I would have chosen, but it's what I needed...I am seeing a world that needs hope that I didn't see before. We may not understand why, we may be prone to jealousy sometimes, but we have been richly blessed to learn a depth of patience, unconditional love, & contentment. 

We are a special needs/military family, we are the DeLauter's, we won't be stomped out, we will fight to stay positive, we will fight for our family. We may not see a cure on this earth, but we won't give up...even if it means waiting for victory on the Other Side & we'll be rocking it!!! "The only disability in life is a bad attitude." (Scott Hamilton)

your test is your "test"imony, your mess is your "mess"age - carol (aka holy mazzoli)

My "Test"imony...The "Mess" of 2008. This is where everything past & future came to a head & exploded. The beginning of the year, Adam (my hubby) returned home from a year-long deployment just 1 week before the birth of our 4th kiddo, finally our baby girl! Everything was going great, we were preparing for our move, but still in the construction phase.  We were very excited to move back to our hometown, closer to family & friends. 

It seemed like almost overnight everything unravelled. The housing & stock markets took a big hit & continued to decline, the effects of deployment began to mess with Adam, I began to struggle with postpartum & health problems (of course, that could never happen to me :/ ...pride), & then the atomic bomb fell... the twins' were diagnosed with Classic Autism. Both boys, at that time, were non-verbal, no eye contact, hated to be touched, aggressive, self-injurious... almost animalistic. We began to grieve everything parents normally hope for for their kids. The swirling whirlwind of questions, doubt, & every emotion under the sun consumed me. I was held captive by my thoughts. I began to severely doubt my faith in God, struggled everyday to find hope in anything, became hardened, & built a hatred for God. I didn't respond well to say the least :/ My health continued to decline as my emotions spiraled out of control. I was sucked into a dark vortex of negativity & confusion, fed by every lie Satan could shoot at me, & it definitely left it's path of destruction on those around me. The light of truth seemed forever out of reach. Because of my selfish pride, I stayed secluded. My mind was tortured by past experiences & I struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, & PTSD. 

Despite my hatred for God, He sent His angels with encouragement, support, & unconditional love...supporting me & my family. When I finally unclenched my fists & begged God to show me the truth again, He did so much more. This is a bit cheesy, but at that moment I looked down on the floor & saw a pair of my Nike sneakers with the swoosh...the slogan "just do it" filled my thoughts & then I felt something saying..."Just do it, & choose to be positive". I felt a rush of energy, something I hadn't felt in months...I felt compelled to draw a word picture of the verses that were shared with me. A light went off and the truth opened my eyes. I still use this picture when I hit a slump. One verse in particular stuck out & brought me through each day, Prov. 3:5-6 ..."Trust in God with all your heart, even if you don't understand. In everything you do acknowledge God, and He WILL direct your path." I chose to commit to applying these truths every second, every minute, every day, & changing my perspective. It wasn't over night, I had to choose to practice being positive even when I didn't want to. It became easier and easier over time. 

Here's the big picture, before 2008 I had been praying for healing of my past & the effects I let it have on my life. I had been praying that God would use me somehow. Little did I know that God was providing me an opportunity to make those things happen. I had to learn the hard way & realize I was just getting in my own way.  Sometimes what we think is a terrible situation is really just our selfish expectations clouding the view of God's perfect plan.  

Here's a challenge... It's not easy sharing the REAL you. We all hit a low, don't hide away...let others help you through. Don't just hear the Words, apply them every moment of everyday. Put on the full armor of God, so the daggars of lies can't get through & you are prepared to fight for the truth. A friend reminded me once, "Let's own who we are in Christ." So let's face our fears, suck it up, & just do it ;) A favorite line of a song says, "It's your life, whatcha gonna do, the world is watching you. Everyday the choices you make say who you are & what your heart beats for." So, let's live each moment as a mission field with our choices...our light. Are you gonna exist or invest in your day?