Time for a Retake

Geez, it's been a while! I've really missed writing. For some reason life has a way of sneaking into warp speed around here. Every once in a while I've gotta be yanked out of my spaceship & reminded to come back to earth & take a break. I swore I'd never let getting older slow me down, but between you & me, this girl is running on exhaust fumes by the time evening hits... my body just can't keep up with my hyperactive brain like it used to. The sad part is, it usually takes getting sick or something throwing off my groove before I'll remember that it's okay to utilize the brake lever lol... ri-dic-u-lous! Can you relate? It's like an inventor, driven by hope in some kind of breakthrough for the "A-HA!! Formula", fueled by a bottomless invisible tank of passion, works himself into a mad scientist state with an eye twitch. Mwah-hahaha!! This is what happens people when Mr. Devyn decides wake up time is 2am & I'm hyped up on albuterol & cold medicine, I get all wordy & metaphorical... or maybe I'm always like that ;P

Sooo let's catch up on life over the past several months shall we. MY plans were to continue working on the Agape Ministry, prepare the kids for a new school year, & try to plan some fun as a family around summer school, therapy, & military.  "MY" plans were rearranged a good bit... Gavyn's Autism program was transferred to a different school & we weren't notified until summer (talk about last minute & time-consuming), unexpected extensions in Adam's military training schedule (as in no Daddy all summer), we decided to transfer our oldest & youngest from private to public schools, & my Nan became terribly ill… alot of challenges to say the least. I had to learn a hard lesson, WAITING!! Can you see a little cartoon face turning red, inflating with anger, & steam bursting out of it's ears? I hit that place on more than one occasion :/  God's timing isn't our timing or what we would expect, even though we often think we know better than God what needs to happen. Is.55:8-9 reminds us, “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."  I'm gonna be flat out honest with you… I don't want to wait!! 

Throughout this year, I've had a couple life-changing opportunities that have given me some tools I've needed to face challenges that have come along. One big one was a four-day adventure to Georgia for the Orange Conference!! BEST TRIP EVER!!!! (seriously, if you don't know what this is, you need to check it out …AWESOME!!) I will never look at a marble the same way again …lol, just ask me sometime. They provide training & enrichment workshops, & serious FUN/recoop/jam time for church staff & volunteers. We went specifically to learn how to start a special needs ministry!  

I love short, profound phrases… "nuggets"; there is no shortage of that with Orange, & orange just happens to be my favorite color… so it's no wonder it exudes awesomeness ;) like my shoes!!

My top two nuggets, "words over time: can dramatically impact the direction in someone's life, they will either build up or tear down." Number two, "time over time: when you see how much time you have left, you tend to value & do more with the time you have now- Ps. 90:12." It soaks in so much better with their multi-sensory presentation so take a couple seconds to digest those, I promise you they are profound.
   
The other BIG event was renewing my drivers license.  Yes, that's what I just said… who cares right? It just so happens that five years ago when it was time to get a new license, our twin boys were just diagnosed with the severest form of Autism.  Let's just say my photo literally looked like death. I am not known for taking a good drivers license photo lol, but the problem with this picture was I had unknowingly placed all of my hope in my expectations & the world's definition of success for my kids. It was a defining moment captured on a little plastic card that displayed the deepest pain I have ever known.  Every time I had to pull out that card to show it, it never failed that I was asked…"why the long face?" After a year though, it opened the door for conversation about the amazing transformation God had done in my life! So this past August I was pumped to get a retake!! It was surreal sitting in the same spot 5yrs later waiting to have my photo taken, remembering how hard it was just to breathe back then.  This time around, I was all geared up to flash the cheesiest smile humanly possible because most days, I am ridiculously happy… there is only One reason why & I've experienced it for real! (Side-note, due to an unforeseen hair accessory malfunction… my streak of unflattering drivers license pictures will be carrying on for another 5yrs… ugh!)

A devotional by Dennis Fisher from Our Daily Bread, says it well… "Jeremiah was an eyewitness to the invasion of Jerusalem.  He wrote his observations in his "diary"- the book of Lamentations.  Despite the distressing times, he found hope: 'Through the Lord's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not.  They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!'-(3:22-23). At various times, we may experience or witness disasters that feel like hostile forces entering our lives. But these times of trouble do not last forever."

When things are really rough at home, I find that looking outside of my situation into the lives of others renews my sense of hope.  Another devotional from the Daily Bread by Bill Crowder reminds us, "Let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others- Phil 2:4." He then shared, "on the first night of family camp, the camp director asked if anyone had anything to add. A young girl stood up & made a passionate appeal for help.  She shared about her little brother, a boy with special needs, & the challenges of his care. Her appeal was a gentle reminder of how easily we can all get wrapped up in our own world, life, and problems- to the point that we fail to see the needs of others."

All of this takes me back to an earlier post on this blog explaining Agape love described in 
1Cor 13. "The Bible reminds us that love is patient & kind. It is not self-seeking or easily angered.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." Even though the photo retake for my drivers license didn't turn out how I envisioned lol, at least now when I look at it I see a freedom in "knowing that I am learning so much about what real love is, and even though I probably wouldn't have asked for this journey and the heartache that goes with it, I wouldn't trade it for anything."(-Cindy Hess Kasper, Daily Bread)

StUcK

Sometimes I just feel stuck... stuck in my own foggy brain, stuck in our circumstances, stuck in a pit I can't seem to climb out of even though "I" created it.  Ever feel that way & try not to admit it?  I really get on myself too, "other people have bigger struggles", "it's all in your head", "just have to choose to push through", ....it starts sounding like the Charlie Brown teacher, "whah whah whah".  Bleh!! This week has been stenchy dealing with a lot of change, Autism stuff, health problems, & struggling with wanting a timeout from the game... it's just been an off week for us.  Summer is great, but at some point the green monster always hits me.  I hear everyone talking about going away on their vacations for a week or more to the beach, carefree days at the pool laying out & soaking in the relaxation, day trips, helping at camp or other places.  Between military & Autism, for us... it's a crapshoot.  This summer is ridden with tough, big decisions & of course, paperwork. I just don't want to deal with it.  Go ahead... stamp me a whiner, lazy, or shout out an "AMEN!!"... either way I'm right there with ya. Don't get me wrong, this is just my mental state right now. I get to a place where I have to stop, write it out, play some tunes, & hand it over to the Big Guy. I'm hoping by sharing this awkward moment it will help someone else realize they aren't the only one & that it's time to pull the plug on Debbie Downer. Let's get it out tonight before it festers, rub some dirt in it, suck it up, & start tomorrow with some grit. 

For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain. -Philippians 1:21

Helen Keller, who is a classic example of handling life’s handicaps, said, “I thank God for my handicaps, for through them I have found myself, my work, and my God.” Some people with handicaps drown themselves in self-pity, and thus limit their usefulness and service to mankind and to God. The Apostle Paul knew the pangs of suffering. He used his infirmity rather than allowing his infirmity to use him, and he used it for the glory of God. He seized everything, even death, to glorify his Lord. No matter which way fate turned, he was one jump ahead of it, and using it to magnify his Savior.
-Daily Devotional by Billy Graham

My anthem for tonight, tomorrow is fresh & new...

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this?"
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this?"
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now

Though I walk, 
Though I Walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, Please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this?"
How many times have you given me strength to 
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

AGAPE MISSION

It seems at this point in my life, public speaking is unavoidable ;P  Despite acting like a childish whiner a couple days before each speaking event, God manages to leave me awe-struck every time... only God could make me cool as a cucumber and confident to speak His truth.  So here is the latest Agape Special Needs Ministry presentation for those who missed. (edited, again, by Laura, my incredibly talented wordsmith ...who still loves me even after last minute pleas for help... Sweet Frog helps ;) )

GOOD MORNING EVERYONE! SO HERE I AM AGAIN, FRONT AND

CENTER. I WAS HOPING AFTER THE FIRST PRESENTATION IN FEBRUARY THAT I'D BE GOOD WITH PUBLIC SPEAKING... BUT NOPE, IT'S STILL NOT MY THING. ISN'T IT MIND-BLOWING THOUGH HOW GOD REPLACES FEAR WITH AN UNCONTAINABLE PASSION IF WE JUST CHOOSE TO STEP OUT OF OUR COMFORT ZONE?!?

I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU A LITTLE BACKGROUND ABOUT THE AGAPE

SPECIAL NEEDS MINISTRY TODAY. FIRST LET'S DISCUSS AGAPE AND WHY WE CHOSE THAT NAME? A PASSAGE FROM THE HAGERSTOWN AREA PREGNANCY CENTER'S VOLUNTEER HANDBOOK PERFECTLY SUMMARIZES THE AGAPE LOVE MENTIONED IN 1COR. 13. IT SAYS, LOVE BEARS ALL THINGS, IT NEVER GIVES UP ON ANY INDIVIDUAL, BECAUSE LOVE CONFIDENTLY BELIEVES IN THE ALL-SUFFICIENT GRACE OF GOD THAT REGARDLESS OF THE DILEMMA OR SIN, GOD IS GREATER. AS LOVE TRUSTS IN GOD'S ABILITY TO CHANGE A LIFE, THIS GIVES HOPE DESPITE THE PERSON OR SITUATION, BECAUSE LOVE BELIEVES IN GOD, LOVE HAS HOPE, AND BECAUSE LOVE HAS HOPE, LOVE CAN ENDURE ALL THINGS, AND WHEN LOVE ENDURES, LOVE NEVER FAILS, THIS KIND OF LOVE IS UNCONDITIONAL! WITH THAT IN MIND, I WANT TO SHARE SOME DISTURBING INFORMATION TAKEN FROM AN ARTICLE ABOUT CHURCHES, “ONE ESTIMATE STATES THAT 90% OF FAMILIES AFFECTED BY DISABILITY DON'T ATTEND CHURCH. LESS THAN 5% FEEL COMFORTABLE AT CHURCH. BUT WHAT'S EVEN MORE TROUBLING IS THAT 90% OF CHURCHES SEE NO NEED FOR SPECIAL NEEDS MINISTRY. CONGREGATIONS FIND IT INCONVENIENT TO REEVALUATE AND ADJUST THEIR PRACTICES TO ACCOMMODATE FAMILIES... BUT WHAT WE DON'T REALIZE IS THAT THEIR ABSENCE FROM OUR CONGREGATIONS, WEAKENS THE BODY OF CHRIST. WITHOUT ALL INDIVIDUALS, A LOCAL BODY FUNCTIONS WITH SIGNIFICANT DEFICIENCIES BECAUSE GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES. HE HAS LOVING PURPOSES FOR EVERY LIFE, AND EACH HUMAN BEING IS PERFECTLY CREATED, UNIQUE IN GIFTS AND TALENTS, AND RESPONSIVE TO ACTS OF LOVE. THERE ARE NO DISABLED SOULS.” (In Touch Publication)

LET'S FACE IT, PRACTICING AGAPE LOVE CAN BE INCONVENIENT.

GETTING INVOLVED IN PEOPLE'S LIVES IS MESSY. IT MESSES UP OUR CALENDARS, OUR INBOXES, OUR HOMES. BUT I CAN PERSONALLY

ATTEST, ALONG WITH MANY OF YOU... MESS IS THE CATALYST FOR

GROWTH AND CHARACTER BUILDING IN OUR OWN LIVES. I'VE LEARNED THAT PEOPLE WITH SPECIAL NEEDS ARE NOT PLACED HERE TO FIT INTO OUR BOX, THEY ARE HERE TO HELP US REALIZE, THERE IS NO BOX. THE GOSPEL IS NOT SIN MANAGEMENT OR BEHAVIOR MANAGEMENT, IT IS NOT PASSING DOWN INHERITED FAITH AND MAN-MADE RULES. IT IS FOLLOWING CHRIST'S EXAMPLE BY BECOMING HIS HANDS AND FEET, SUPPORTING THE HURTING, AND HELPING INDIVIDUALS DISCOVER THEIR OWN FAITH.

CONCERNING OUR FUTURE AS AN AGAPE CHURCH, I WANT TO OFFER

AN HONEST SUGGESTION... IT'S NOT AN ACCUSATION, BUT A PREVENTIVE STATEMENT. IN THIS CHURCH AND IN THIS MINISTRY FOR CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS AND THEIR FAMILIES, THERE IS NO ROOM FOR CRITICISM, PARENTING TIPS, OR NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT BEHAVIOR OR APPEARANCE. IT WILL TURN THESE FAMILIES AWAY WHO ARE ALREADY STIGMATIZED AND RELUCTANT TO TRY NEW SITUATIONS BECAUSE OF ALREADY BEING JUDGED SO MUCH. 

LET'S ALL REMEMBER TO EXERCISE THE GOLDEN RULE AND RECOGNIZE THAT WORDS OVER TIME CAN INFLUENCE THE DIRECTION OF SOMEONE'S LIFE, EITHER BY BUILDING UP OR TEARING DOWN. WITHIN THE FAMILY OF CHRIST, WE NEED TO REALIZE OUR INDIVIDUAL ACTIONS CAN IMPACT THE ENTIRE BODY AND GOD'S NAME. LET'S CHOOSE TO LIFT EACH OTHER UP AND SUPPORT WITH LOVE.  

(many points in this presentation came from different speakers at the Orange Conference  & The Inclusive Church)

Check out my beautiful friend Kris' mission to support an amazing overseas ministry called Boanerges Deaf Initiative(BDI) in Uganda.  www.ironclads.wix.com/signsofhopeuganda 

You can see Kris in all her loveliness with the adorable kids of BDI in this video:

HEAD GAMES

Life balance... HA!!  what the heck does that mean!  It seems like the harder I try to schedule things out, color-code priorities on my calendar, prepare, & find some sort of balance- the faster the "mean kid" spins me on this merry-go-round ride gone wild.  I don't know about you guys, but I really struggle with self-leadership... it looks good on paper, but when I go to live it out it looks more like controlled chaos (maybe the word "controlled" is a little too lenient ;s )  The Good Idea Fairy visits me far too frequently during the day.  I need to create a "no admittance" sign for my brain... seriously.  

This past week I've been talking over health issues with a friend and the effects it has on our emotional & spiritual state which just in turn affects our physical state even more, it's a vicious cycle.  It's so easy to get caught up in our heads & question things when we don't understand! (Prov 3:5-6) Yesterday I was sicker than sick, couldn't-get-out-of-bed-sick and all I could think about was, what is the purpose of this?!?  What an incredibly huge waste of time!!  (Those of you who KNOW me, can probably see the veins popping out of my forehead lol)  Ugh, I am such a mess!  There were a gazillion things I could've done!  ALL, SELF-IMPOSED THINGS.  Did you get that?  How many times do I wake up thinking about what "I" believe needs done for the day or to prepare for future goals? (we'll just say too many)

Dealing with what goes on inside my mind, the "head games", is a lot like a version of Deer Hunter.  When the lies & negativity start charging at me, I better be armed & ready to shoot back with some truth before I get trampled in a stampede of doubt.  The more we take time to absorb, meditate, & apply God's Word to our lives... the quicker we are able to counteract the blows.  

So yesterday, my out-of-control sick day, I think was a reminder that sometimes we just need to "BE STILL", let go & let God, & stop trying to control what isn't ours to control.  That "mean kid" that's been spinning me around... it's ME.  

I recently got to listen to Jim Wideman at the Orange Conference about the art of self-leadership.  He called it the "H" Factors.  
Heart- guard your heart (Prov. 4:23) take time with God, it's like a checkbook... you gotta make deposits before you can write checks.  
Home- most important institution, protect it! it comes before the church(Eph 5:19),impress(intentional consistent behavior)Deut 6
Health- take time to take care of yourself -1Cor 6:19
Head- be aware of your thinking, actions are born there, strongholds(perceived) can hold you back (Phil 4:8), take every thought captive (2Cor 10:5), you can't control what happens in life, but you do control how you respond.
Hours- how are you spending your time? identify time-wasters, maintain order(Prov 28:2)

I may or may not put this into practice on a daily basis, it is my hope that I will... but let's face it, this is Beth we are talking about.  I am bound to screw up a time or two ;)  It is a great tool to evaluate what we are allowing to be most important in our lives.  Right now, I am feeling that I have let all areas sit on the back burner to stew & fester.  I have put too much emphasis & time into outside "good" things.  I need to trust the timing of the One who knows the RIGHT timing.  "As for God—His way is perfect; the Word of the LORD proves true; He is a shield for all those who take refuge in Him" (Ps. 18:30)
"...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil 4:11).  (Phil 4:6-7) ^"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

We also learned at the Orange Conference, DON'T BE SO SERIOUS!!  I am such a repeat offender of this, I tend to be a researcher & forget to shut off the "learn switch" & let the quirky, goof come out of her cage & just have some fun :D  Sooo shut off your brains people... once in a while, be still, & DON'T BE SO SERIOUS!!

food is fuel not entertainment... a lesson in moderation & contentment

Geez, just typing out that title made me want to shut my computer & pretend I never mentioned it.  I LOVE food!!  Hello... my name is Beth & I am a foodie.  It's just another artistic medium that I have access to more readily than my paints & brushes, plus I'm guessing it tastes a heck of a lot better ;)  Lately, I have had a craze of Talenti-itis and Chobani-osis...it's contagious so watch out!! ;) (there ya go... free advertising).  
Just a little earlier this week my neighbor-friend was over with her kids to hang out with our crew & we started talking lifestyle changes, exercise, & smart eating... stuff I geek out over. It's one of the few times you can't get me to shut up. It got me all pumped again to live it out all the way instead of one foot in & the other emptying the bowl of candy on my desk ;p  That said, I know all this stuff & want to follow it because I know the benefits, but I am in a rut, a "do as I say... not as I do" kind of rut.  I just wanna cover my ears & go "lalalalalala" & live in blissful ignorance.
 So, what did I do after the healthy pep talk with my lovely Christina?  Went inside & grabbed the bag of chips, rationalizing I hadn't had time for much to eat that day after putting in a full work day.  My hubby & I are at "that" place in our marriage where we don't even have to use words to communicate... he just peaked his head over the ledge & gave me his "I'm judging you right now stink eye" & I glared right back with my "don't judge me or you will experience my wrath" response (affectionately of course ;) ).  Food makes me feel better until I realize the scale isn't saying what I like it to, lol.  
I love the phrase, "what we let in physically, spiritually, intellectually, socially, & emotionally will shape our life"HAPC handbook...very simple & holistic.  I let my emotions run my eating habits to entertain & "cheer me up" instead of eating to fuel (admitting that was like swigging vinegar). When I'm "Momma tired" it seems I give up on taking care of myself & give in to impulsive eating & buying very unnecessary things. If we want a certain "shape" we have to think & apply moderation in all areas.  Coincidentally my wise & infectiously witty good buddy, Laura, just wrote about this on her blog & hit it smack on the nose (check her out, it's a great read).  I also just read in my devotional book last night about this.  It almost seems like there's a reason for all these coincidences ;p  
Here's another tough subject (for me at least) that I journaled about last summer...
(read with an open mind, this is MY personal conviction & not a platform, & guys sorry for the chic stuff). Self image/body image is a big deal to most women. Pregnancies can cause physical change to some & some aren't affected at all. Yeah, I didn't draw that straw...I actually got hit with it several times lol. The thought of a bathing suit makes me throw up in my mouth a little. I've had many debates & conversations rationalizing medical help & almost did 'til I felt completely restless about it. With the help of a close friend we started picking the issue apart...who am I doing this for? Why do I want to wear a bikini(ouch)? Am I doing it to glorify God or me? It could cause me to be a stumbling block. The reasons, I realized, were all selfish ones mostly. The cost in comparison could build an orphanage or new church in Africa. So, I got my answer...it was a hard pill to swallow, but pride never goes down easily ;) So then I asked for contentment & this is what filled my head..."can't take this body with me" & "It's a blessing of forced modesty". I don't know if it's just me, but sometimes I sense a bit of playful, dry humor in the answers I get ;D  2Cor 10:5, Phil.4:11
In Our Daily Bread Devotional it said, "...In a consumer-oriented culture, it's easy to be seduced into thinking that we can "buy" acceptance by wearing the things that beautiful people wear.  Retailers would have us believe that looking good will make us desirable.  Sometimes we even convince ourselves that we can win followers for God by making ourselves attractive to the world.  But the Bible is clear about what's really important to God.  He wants us to look like Jesus in our character.  In a sense, Jesus is our "brand".  We attract others to Christ when we put on His attributes.  Instead of polishing and protecting our own image, we need to be guarding and reflecting the image of God."
I read about a woman who had a heart for the impoverished & suffering in Kenya & she went on a missions trip to face the reality.  "As I walked, I was crying and asking God: How could He allow His people to suffer so much- how is this love?  And as soon as I though it, I felt Him ask me the same thing: What are you doing, Kristen, to help?"  "The tables were turned on me in Kenya," she says.  "I had a redeeming experience.  I felt rescued from my wealth and the American life.  In America, we want more, we want bigger, we want better.  All that turned upside down for me when I was there."-Kristen Welch.  I really encourage you to read Compassion Magazine, the whole magazine affected my thinking tremendously as we move forward in Special Needs Ministry, but also my personal struggles with moderation & contentment.  

InTeRmIsSiOn

I am officially at that place where tax season is coming to a close, school is near end, & my patience level resembles a withered dandelion with all its wishies blown away :/ lol, blah...I take my hat off to people who work full-time, have kids, & a nutty social schedule.  It makes me act like a rebellious child sometimes. There are sooo many things I really want to do... I want to do some writing, read the stack of books that tease me every time I walk by, organize my house (did I just admit that?), get some research done... the list goes on.  

So since my brain just wants to cramp every time I think, it's intermission time this month. We get to go down memory lane & reminisce on one of the many many many crazy moments during deployment. Enjoy the show ;)

a DeLauter moment...kids all in bed early, italian ice is calling my name. On my way to the freezer I hear little boys laughing and carrying on down the hall...I go back to check it out and ALAS!! Thing 1 and Thing 2 are rolling on the floor among millions of tiny, static-clingy, white styrofoam balls. My OCD twitch is kicking in as Gavyn the Snowman shouts "I'm so excited!!" ...I mutter a, "Really???" :/ After a good hour of sucking up millions of the worst creation on the planet from every orifice of their room and us, all the while mentally nominating the toy company for my sarcastic super genius award, the air kicks on... and much to my surprise, round 2 just began :/ Dear toy company, I am not thinking kind things.

                     

We can laugh at it now ;D

                    

AAH! PUBLIC SPEAKING!! the mess-age of 2008

In January we made the official step towards special needs ministry!  First thing that hit me was, "AAH!! Public speaking!!" We set up the first presentation for a month later to share my testimony...from that very moment until the day of, my overactive brain was already spinning. Now looking back, all the things my poor friends & family heard come out of my mouth, the mental torment on some days, & the physical tension...years of suppression, liberated by 5mins of body-slamming "Goliath"!!  Sharing "me" publicly!!

How? The armor of truth..these two passages gave the lies in my head a serious smack down. (1)2Tim 1:7 says that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control. (2)Mark 9:23-24, ²³ “‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” ²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” That was it! I needed to claim truth & fix the unbelief. Every time I bashed myself, I had to counteract by pulling a fake...all the, "no, I can't's" had to be replaced with "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" ;)...but seriously I had to claim confidence in Christ to speak through me. A few other verses helped solidify, Phil 4:6-7 for peace, Phil 4:13 for strength, 2Cor 12:9- grace, & Eph 3:14-21...faith. Listening to great songs helped me focus..like Casting Crown's "The Voice of Truth", & NewWorldSon's "Learning to be the Light".  I don't know how many times I spaced out in front of people while my inner-monologue was on full force.  Like talking to a kid who's complaining,"I don't wanna",...I'd have to shoot back at myself, "suck it up, De Lauter!! You are doing this!!". 
The day before & the day of, I felt complete,"inconceivable" peace(said like Vizzini on Princess Bride);). Seriously miraculous!! Just like it says in Jer 29:12, "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". We have to do our part, & He was definitely with me that day. 
For those of you who missed it & wanted me to post, here is my speech(edited by my close, English major, friend..thank you ;))

THIS IS A VERY SURREAL MOMENT FOR ME... IT WAS ALWAYS MY LIFE'S GOAL TO

AVOID PUBLIC SPEAKING LIKE THE PLAGUE... HOW IRONIC IT IS THAT GOD HAS LED ME HERE TO SHARE A PART OF MY STORY WITH YOU. I'D SAY HE SURE HAS A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR. SO BARE WITH ME, THIS IS NOT MY FORTE...I AM NERVOUS BUT SUPER EXCITED AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST DRANK 6 CUPS OF JESUS ESPRESSO, SO I WILL BE READING THIS. MANY OF YOU KNOW OF ME, BETH KENDALL, QUIET GIRL GROWING UP IN THE CHURCH...MARRIED THAT MILITARY GUY, ADAM DELAUTER, & TOGETHER WE HAD 4 KIDS. BUT MOST OF YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR HOW GOD COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED MY LIFE....WELL, THAT WAS ON PURPOSE. YOU SEE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I DEVELOPED AN ANXIETY DISORDER THAT CAUSED ME TO PULL AWAY FROM PEOPLE. I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL WITH IT THEN & I LET IT TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE...MAKING IT MY EXCUSE TO PULL A MOSES. I BECAME HARDENED, BACKWARD, & SILENT. IT WASN'T TIL THE MESS OF 2008 THAT I REALIZED THAT WASN'T GOD'S PLAN.

A WISE MENTOR ONCE TOLD ME, YOUR TEST IS YOUR TESTIMONY & YOUR MESS IS 

YOUR MESSAGE. SO HERE IS MY TESTIMONY... THE MESS OF 2008. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR, ADAM RETURNED HOME FROM A YEAR-LONG DEPLOYMENT JUST ONE WEEK BEFORE THE BIRTH OF OUR FOURTH KIDDO, FINALLY OUR BABY GIRL!  EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT, WE WERE PREPARING FOR OUR MOVE TO OUR NEW HOME, BUT WERE STILL IN THE CONSTRUCTION PHASE... IT COULDN'T GET BETTER.  IT SEEMED LIKE ALMOST OVERNIGHT EVERYTHING UNRAVELLED. THE HOUSING AND STOCK MARKETS TOOK A BIG HIT AND CONTINUED TO DECLINE, THE EFFECTS OF DEPLOYMENT BEGAN TO MESS WITH ADAM, I BEGAN TO STRUGGLE WITH POSTPARTUM AND HEALTH PROBLEMS, AND THEN THE ATOMIC BOMB FELL... THE TWINS WERE DIAGNOSED WITH CLASSIC AUTISM. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT AUTISM WAS OR LET ALONE HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. BOTH BOYS, AT THAT TIME, WERE NON-VERBAL, NO EYE CONTACT, HATED TO BE TOUCHED, AGGRESSIVE, SELF-INJURIOUS... ALMOST ANIMALISTIC. WE BEGAN TO GRIEVE EVERYTHING PARENTS NORMALLY HOPE FOR FOR THEIR KIDS. I WAS HELD CAPTIVE BY MY THOUGHTS.  I BEGAN TO SEVERELY DOUBT MY FAITH IN GOD, STRUGGLED EVERYDAY TO FIND HOPE IN ANYTHING, BECAME HARDENED, AND BUILT A HATRED FOR GOD. MY HEALTH CONTINUED TO DECLINE AS MY EMOTIONS SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL. I WAS VULNERABLE TO EVERY LIE SATAN COULD SHOOT AT ME AND THE LIGHT OF TRUTH SEEMED FOREVER OUT OF REACH. BECAUSE OF MY SELFISH PRIDE, I STAYED SECLUDED. MY MIND WAS TORTURED BY PAST EXPERIENCES AND I STRUGGLED WITH ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AN EATING DISORDER, AND PTSD.

DESPITE MY HATRED FOR GOD, HE SENT HIS “HANDS & FEET” WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, SUPPORT, & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. WHEN I FINALLY BEGGED GOD TO SHOW ME THE TRUTH AGAIN, HE DID SO MUCH MORE. I FELT HIM SAYING...”JUST DO IT, & CHOOSE TO BE POSITIVE”. I HAD A RUSH OF ENERGY, SOMETHING I HADN'T FELT IN MONTHS. I FELT COMPELLED TO DRAW A WORD PICTURE OF THE VERSES THAT WERE SHARED WITH ME, AND I STILL USE THIS WHEN I HIT A SLUMP:

THE VERSES THAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH EACH DAY WERE PROVERBS 3:5-6...”TRUST IN GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IN EVERYTHING YOU DO ACKNOWLEDGE GOD,  AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH.” I CHOSE TO COMMIT TO APPLYING THESE TRUTHS EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY DAY, & CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT, I HAD TO CHOOSE TO PRACTICE BEING POSITIVE EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO. IT BECAME EASIER AND EASIER OVER TIME. I'M BETH DELAUTER, I AM NOT PERFECT... I'VE STRUGGLED WITH DEPRESSION, I'VE BEEN VERY OVERWEIGHT & VERY UNDERWEIGHT, WE'VE HAD SERIOUS MARRIAGE PROBLEMS & FAMILY PROBLEMS. I'VE TURNED MY BACK ON GOD, HATED GOD, & TRIED MY OWN WAY MORE THAN I CARE TO ADMIT. BUT OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS GOD HAS COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED ALL OF THAT.

BEFORE 2008, I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR HEALING OF MY PAST & THE EFFECTS I LET IT HAVE ON MY LIFE. I HAD BEEN PRAYING THAT GOD WOULD USE ME SOMEHOW.  LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT GOD WAS PROVIDING ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THOSE THINGS HAPPEN. I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY THAT I WAS JUST GETTING IN MY OWN WAY. SOMETIMES WHAT WE THINK IS A TERRIBLE SITUATION IS REALLY JUST OUR SELFISH EXPECTATIONS CLOUDING THE VIEW OF GOD'S PERFECT PLAN.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE OTHER REASON I AM STANDING HERE TODAY, TO SHARE OUR HOPE TO START A SPECIAL NEEDS MINISTRY. GOD HAS USED OUR FOUR AMAZING KIDS TO DRAMATICALLY CHANGE OUR ATTITUDE, OUR PERSPECTIVE, & OUR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS. SUCCESS IS NOT DEFINED BY WEALTH, STATUS, OR CAREER, BUT IS AS UNIQUE AND INDIVIDUAL AS A SNOWFLAKE, & ONLY DEFINED BY GOD. OUR TWINS HAVE AUTISM. THE WORLD CALLS THIS A DISABILITY, WE CALL IT A DIFFERENT ABILITY. MY FAVORITE QUOTE BY SCOTT HAMILTON IS “THE ONLY DISABILITY IN LIFE IS A BAD ATTITUDE.” THAT IS SOOO TRUE. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT ABILITIES & DIFFERENT LEVELS OF NEED. THE BIBLE TELLS US, “LET ALL GOD'S CHILDREN COME UNTO ME, & HINDER THEM NOT.” GOD HAS OPENED OUR EYES TO A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE STARVING FOR HOPE IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN WHAT THIS LIFE HAS TO DISH OUT. STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE RATE OF DIVORCE IN SPECIAL NEEDS FAMILIES IS BETWEEN 85-90%. THESE FAMILIES LIVE A HIGH-STRESS, LIMITED, & ISOLATED LIFESTYLE. THEY ARE OFTEN TURNED AWAY BECAUSE OF FEAR, A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, OR KNOWLEDGE.

IN A DAILY BREAD DEVOTIONAL... TITLED “GUEST LIST” BY DENNIS FISHER HE TALKS ABOUT THIS, DURING THE TIME OF JESUS, HE SAYS THERE WAS A SELF-PROCLAIMED, “SPIRITUAL ELITE” COMMUNITY WHO WOULD NOT ALLOW THE DISABLED INTO THEIR COMMUNITY. THEY BELIEVED ANYONE WITH A “BLEMISH” WAS UNCLEAN. BUT IRONICALLY WHILE THIS RITUALIZED COMMUNITY WAS WAITING FOR THE ARRIVAL OF MESSIAH, JESUS WAS ALREADY AT WORK AMONG THE SICK, IMPERFECT, AND UNCLEAN IN THE CITIES AND VILLAGES. IN HIS TEACHING JESUS PROCLAIMED, “WHEN YOU GIVE A FEAST, INVITE THE POOR, THE MAIMED, THE LAME, THE BLIND. AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED” (LUKE 14:13-14). THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JESUS' WORDS AND THE GUEST LIST OF THE “SPIRITUAL ELITE” IS INSTRUCTIVE TO US. OFTEN WE LIKE TO ONLY FELLOWSHIP WITH PEOPLE WHO LOOK, THINK, AND ACT LIKE US, BUT WE ARE CALLED TO OPEN OUR DOORS TO EVERYONE. THE INCLUSIVE WORD OF GOD CAN'T BE SHARED BY AN EXCLUSIVE PEOPLE.

SEVERAL FAMILIES HAVE ASKED ME WHERE THEY CAN GO TO CHURCH AND BE
ACCEPTED, SUPPORTED, AND LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY. I AM ASKING YOU... WILL WE BE THAT CHURCH?

"The inclusive Word can't be shared by an exclusive people"

  For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control. -2Tim.1:7

After taking a year to reevaluate & get reassurance about starting a special needs ministry, it seems like everywhere I turn in the past 3wks something else is falling into place. I picked up the Daily Bread devotional tonight & guess what it's about ;) ...titled "Guest List" it talks about a self-proclaimed, "spiritual elite" community who would not allow the disabled into their community. There conviction was that anyone with a physical "blemish" was unclean. While this ritualized community was waiting for the arrival of Messiah, ironically Jesus was at work in the cities & villages & He proclaimed, "When you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind. And you will be blessed" (Luke 14:13-14). The contrast between Jesus' words and the guest list of the "spiritual elite" is instructive to us. Often we like to fellowship with people who look, think, and act like us. We are called to open our doors to everyone --Dennis Fisher

The inclusive Word can't be shared by an exclusive people.

-George Sweeting

We are not blind, we know the truthStill we don't stand, still we don't chooseWe'd rather stay, so comfortableStuck in our world under control

We may not pull the trigger but weStand by and watch then pretend not to seeSilence is worse then evil doneWhat in the world have we become?

Can't you see that this is war so pick your side?It's time to move not time to hideDon't let lies make up your mind'Cause can't you see we're running out of time?

Tomorrow will come and one day we'll seeThe choices we made, made historyBefore it's to late find where you standLet's use our voice while we still can

Can't you see that this is war so pick your side?It's time to move not time to hideDon't let lies make up your mind'Cause can't you see we're running out of time?

Running out of timeRunning out of time

Can't you see that this is war so pick your side?It's time to move not time to hideDon't let lies make up your mind'Cause can't you see we're running out of time?