It seemed like almost overnight everything unravelled. The housing & stock markets took a big hit & continued to decline, the effects of deployment began to mess with Adam, I began to struggle with postpartum & health problems (of course, that could never happen to me :/ ...pride), & then the atomic bomb fell... the twins' were diagnosed with Classic Autism. Both boys, at that time, were non-verbal, no eye contact, hated to be touched, aggressive, self-injurious... almost animalistic. We began to grieve everything parents normally hope for for their kids. The swirling whirlwind of questions, doubt, & every emotion under the sun consumed me. I was held captive by my thoughts. I began to severely doubt my faith in God, struggled everyday to find hope in anything, became hardened, & built a hatred for God. I didn't respond well to say the least :/ My health continued to decline as my emotions spiraled out of control. I was sucked into a dark vortex of negativity & confusion, fed by every lie Satan could shoot at me, & it definitely left it's path of destruction on those around me. The light of truth seemed forever out of reach. Because of my selfish pride, I stayed secluded. My mind was tortured by past experiences & I struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, & PTSD.
Despite my hatred for God, He sent His angels with encouragement, support, & unconditional love...supporting me & my family. When I finally unclenched my fists & begged God to show me the truth again, He did so much more. This is a bit cheesy, but at that moment I looked down on the floor & saw a pair of my Nike sneakers with the swoosh...the slogan "just do it" filled my thoughts & then I felt something saying..."Just do it, & choose to be positive". I felt a rush of energy, something I hadn't felt in months...I felt compelled to draw a word picture of the verses that were shared with me. A light went off and the truth opened my eyes. I still use this picture when I hit a slump. One verse in particular stuck out & brought me through each day, Prov. 3:5-6 ..."Trust in God with all your heart, even if you don't understand. In everything you do acknowledge God, and He WILL direct your path." I chose to commit to applying these truths every second, every minute, every day, & changing my perspective. It wasn't over night, I had to choose to practice being positive even when I didn't want to. It became easier and easier over time.
Here's the big picture, before 2008 I had been praying for healing of my past & the effects I let it have on my life. I had been praying that God would use me somehow. Little did I know that God was providing me an opportunity to make those things happen. I had to learn the hard way & realize I was just getting in my own way. Sometimes what we think is a terrible situation is really just our selfish expectations clouding the view of God's perfect plan.
Here's a challenge... It's not easy sharing the REAL you. We all hit a low, don't hide away...let others help you through. Don't just hear the Words, apply them every moment of everyday. Put on the full armor of God, so the daggars of lies can't get through & you are prepared to fight for the truth. A friend reminded me once, "Let's own who we are in Christ." So let's face our fears, suck it up, & just do it ;) A favorite line of a song says, "It's your life, whatcha gonna do, the world is watching you. Everyday the choices you make say who you are & what your heart beats for." So, let's live each moment as a mission field with our choices...our light. Are you gonna exist or invest in your day?
No comments:
Post a Comment