Dear Void

Here I am, sitting outside on a beautiful evening watching my oldest ride his bike in his pajamas.  I think we both just needed to be outside of where we were.  I can't help wondering what is going on inside that almost twelve year old mind, how he's handling this unique lifestyle of ours.  I'm just really glad he's still cool with hashing stuff out together. 

It's the end of the school year… do I need to say more?  It's getting REAL up in here.  We almost don't need clothes, these emotions we are wearing are thicker than a wool turtleneck.  The pressure is on.  One of the major projects currently on my work stack is a big transition for one of our sons with Autism to a new school.  This is a HUGE undertaking, much like trying to win the mammoth 20 pounder, burger eating contest… just when I think I can't take one more bite, some sides get thrown into the game.  All joking aside, it's kinda serious & hard to digest all the life going on, not just in our family.  I never thought I would be in a position, asking myself, why do I have to prove to a room full of school admin that my son needs physical boundaries in order to be safe & play outside like his peers?  He didn't ask for Autism to invade his body.  I am not bashing the school here, so don't take it that way… he has great staff & supports.  It's not their fault, it's not our fault, & it's especially not his.  How do I help them catch a glimpse into our experiences & understand the seriousness of his diagnosed wandering?  The reality is, unless you live it… it is nearly impossible to fully comprehend or empathize.  I just hate it, period.  I have felt every emotion over it… "hello again, my old friend grieving stages, I'm so glad you stopped by." (said no one ever)  Then there is the unrelenting piles of paperwork for IEP meetings, summer therapies, grants to offset medical costs, & working on inclusion at church & the community… trying to pave a way for our kids.  Thank you God that these things are available for our boys & the many other families out there, but it doesn't mean I'm doing a crazy happy dance over it's greedy consumption of our lives.  The party just started & I. AM. OVER. IT.

Autism's wear & tear is getting bigger, more noticeable, more destructive.  Friends are dealing with heart-wrenching situations.  The stress is beyond comprehension.  To add to it, their circle of friends are falling away… isolation is setting in.  We are no stranger to this.  People are afraid of what they don't understand.  That is not an accusing statement, I totally get it & have been there, & revisit there sometimes.  We have friends who have to move away & try to figure this whole game out in another state.  Other friends are going on a special trip with one of their children, while their other child with Autism is staying home with family.  People like to offer their thoughts on that choice, despite the fact that they could never understand the sacrifices of being a sibling, or how haunting the choice is for Mom & Dad.  I was just given the great honor the other day of receiving an orthopedist's "professional" unsolicited opinion of why my sons have Autism when instead he was supposed to be helping me know how to support my deteriorating knee so that I can maintain the ability to catch my boy when needed.  Let's just say the more he flapped his lips the better my kung fu was getting in my brain theater.  I think I may start subjecting these random people to some training in social etiquette & empathy ;) Like this one courtesy of Michelle 

I'm gonna throw some spiritual in here, it's part of me... 

IN A DAILY BREAD DEVOTIONAL... TITLED “GUEST LIST” BY DENNIS FISHER HE TALKS ABOUT THIS, DURING THE TIME OF JESUS, HE SAYS THERE WAS A SELF-PROCLAIMED, “SPIRITUAL ELITE” COMMUNITY WHO WOULD NOT ALLOW THE DISABLED INTO THEIR COMMUNITY. THEY BELIEVED ANYONE WITH A “BLEMISH” WAS UNCLEAN. BUT IRONICALLY WHILE THIS RITUALIZED COMMUNITY WAS WAITING FOR THE ARRIVAL OF MESSIAH, JESUS WAS ALREADY AT WORK AMONG THE SICK, IMPERFECT, AND UNCLEAN IN THE CITIES AND VILLAGES. IN HIS TEACHING JESUS PROCLAIMED, “WHEN YOU GIVE A FEAST, INVITE THE POOR, THE MAIMED, THE LAME, THE BLIND. AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED” (LUKE 14:13-14). THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JESUS' WORDS AND THE GUEST LIST OF THE “SPIRITUAL ELITE” IS INSTRUCTIVE TO US. OFTEN WE LIKE TO ONLY HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO LOOK, THINK, AND ACT LIKE US, BUT WE ARE CALLED TO OPEN OUR DOORS TO EVERYONE. THE INCLUSIVE WORD OF GOD CAN'T BE SHARED BY AN EXCLUSIVE PEOPLE 

 my favorite painting 

"there is always a place for you" by Hannah Joiner

                       

My friends out there drudging through the valley…  "Although full restoration may not happen in this life, the promise of healing is sure.  'God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" -Rev. 21:4   (Bill Crowder, Our Daily Bread)