AAH! PUBLIC SPEAKING!! the mess-age of 2008

In January we made the official step towards special needs ministry!  First thing that hit me was, "AAH!! Public speaking!!" We set up the first presentation for a month later to share my testimony...from that very moment until the day of, my overactive brain was already spinning. Now looking back, all the things my poor friends & family heard come out of my mouth, the mental torment on some days, & the physical tension...years of suppression, liberated by 5mins of body-slamming "Goliath"!!  Sharing "me" publicly!!

How? The armor of truth..these two passages gave the lies in my head a serious smack down. (1)2Tim 1:7 says that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of self-control. (2)Mark 9:23-24, ²³ “‘If you can?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.” ²⁴ Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!” That was it! I needed to claim truth & fix the unbelief. Every time I bashed myself, I had to counteract by pulling a fake...all the, "no, I can't's" had to be replaced with "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can" ;)...but seriously I had to claim confidence in Christ to speak through me. A few other verses helped solidify, Phil 4:6-7 for peace, Phil 4:13 for strength, 2Cor 12:9- grace, & Eph 3:14-21...faith. Listening to great songs helped me focus..like Casting Crown's "The Voice of Truth", & NewWorldSon's "Learning to be the Light".  I don't know how many times I spaced out in front of people while my inner-monologue was on full force.  Like talking to a kid who's complaining,"I don't wanna",...I'd have to shoot back at myself, "suck it up, De Lauter!! You are doing this!!". 
The day before & the day of, I felt complete,"inconceivable" peace(said like Vizzini on Princess Bride);). Seriously miraculous!! Just like it says in Jer 29:12, "Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you". We have to do our part, & He was definitely with me that day. 
For those of you who missed it & wanted me to post, here is my speech(edited by my close, English major, friend..thank you ;))

THIS IS A VERY SURREAL MOMENT FOR ME... IT WAS ALWAYS MY LIFE'S GOAL TO

AVOID PUBLIC SPEAKING LIKE THE PLAGUE... HOW IRONIC IT IS THAT GOD HAS LED ME HERE TO SHARE A PART OF MY STORY WITH YOU. I'D SAY HE SURE HAS A DRY SENSE OF HUMOR. SO BARE WITH ME, THIS IS NOT MY FORTE...I AM NERVOUS BUT SUPER EXCITED AND I FEEL LIKE I JUST DRANK 6 CUPS OF JESUS ESPRESSO, SO I WILL BE READING THIS. MANY OF YOU KNOW OF ME, BETH KENDALL, QUIET GIRL GROWING UP IN THE CHURCH...MARRIED THAT MILITARY GUY, ADAM DELAUTER, & TOGETHER WE HAD 4 KIDS. BUT MOST OF YOU DON'T KNOW ME OR HOW GOD COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED MY LIFE....WELL, THAT WAS ON PURPOSE. YOU SEE IN MIDDLE SCHOOL I DEVELOPED AN ANXIETY DISORDER THAT CAUSED ME TO PULL AWAY FROM PEOPLE. I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DEAL WITH IT THEN & I LET IT TAKE CONTROL OF MY LIFE...MAKING IT MY EXCUSE TO PULL A MOSES. I BECAME HARDENED, BACKWARD, & SILENT. IT WASN'T TIL THE MESS OF 2008 THAT I REALIZED THAT WASN'T GOD'S PLAN.

A WISE MENTOR ONCE TOLD ME, YOUR TEST IS YOUR TESTIMONY & YOUR MESS IS 

YOUR MESSAGE. SO HERE IS MY TESTIMONY... THE MESS OF 2008. AT THE BEGINNING OF THE YEAR, ADAM RETURNED HOME FROM A YEAR-LONG DEPLOYMENT JUST ONE WEEK BEFORE THE BIRTH OF OUR FOURTH KIDDO, FINALLY OUR BABY GIRL!  EVERYTHING WAS GOING GREAT, WE WERE PREPARING FOR OUR MOVE TO OUR NEW HOME, BUT WERE STILL IN THE CONSTRUCTION PHASE... IT COULDN'T GET BETTER.  IT SEEMED LIKE ALMOST OVERNIGHT EVERYTHING UNRAVELLED. THE HOUSING AND STOCK MARKETS TOOK A BIG HIT AND CONTINUED TO DECLINE, THE EFFECTS OF DEPLOYMENT BEGAN TO MESS WITH ADAM, I BEGAN TO STRUGGLE WITH POSTPARTUM AND HEALTH PROBLEMS, AND THEN THE ATOMIC BOMB FELL... THE TWINS WERE DIAGNOSED WITH CLASSIC AUTISM. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT AUTISM WAS OR LET ALONE HOW TO DEAL WITH IT. BOTH BOYS, AT THAT TIME, WERE NON-VERBAL, NO EYE CONTACT, HATED TO BE TOUCHED, AGGRESSIVE, SELF-INJURIOUS... ALMOST ANIMALISTIC. WE BEGAN TO GRIEVE EVERYTHING PARENTS NORMALLY HOPE FOR FOR THEIR KIDS. I WAS HELD CAPTIVE BY MY THOUGHTS.  I BEGAN TO SEVERELY DOUBT MY FAITH IN GOD, STRUGGLED EVERYDAY TO FIND HOPE IN ANYTHING, BECAME HARDENED, AND BUILT A HATRED FOR GOD. MY HEALTH CONTINUED TO DECLINE AS MY EMOTIONS SPIRALED OUT OF CONTROL. I WAS VULNERABLE TO EVERY LIE SATAN COULD SHOOT AT ME AND THE LIGHT OF TRUTH SEEMED FOREVER OUT OF REACH. BECAUSE OF MY SELFISH PRIDE, I STAYED SECLUDED. MY MIND WAS TORTURED BY PAST EXPERIENCES AND I STRUGGLED WITH ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, AN EATING DISORDER, AND PTSD.

DESPITE MY HATRED FOR GOD, HE SENT HIS “HANDS & FEET” WITH ENCOURAGEMENT, SUPPORT, & UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. WHEN I FINALLY BEGGED GOD TO SHOW ME THE TRUTH AGAIN, HE DID SO MUCH MORE. I FELT HIM SAYING...”JUST DO IT, & CHOOSE TO BE POSITIVE”. I HAD A RUSH OF ENERGY, SOMETHING I HADN'T FELT IN MONTHS. I FELT COMPELLED TO DRAW A WORD PICTURE OF THE VERSES THAT WERE SHARED WITH ME, AND I STILL USE THIS WHEN I HIT A SLUMP:

THE VERSES THAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH EACH DAY WERE PROVERBS 3:5-6...”TRUST IN GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, EVEN IF YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. IN EVERYTHING YOU DO ACKNOWLEDGE GOD,  AND HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATH.” I CHOSE TO COMMIT TO APPLYING THESE TRUTHS EVERY SECOND, EVERY MINUTE, EVERY DAY, & CHANGING MY PERSPECTIVE. IT DIDN'T HAPPEN OVER NIGHT, I HAD TO CHOOSE TO PRACTICE BEING POSITIVE EVEN WHEN I DIDN'T WANT TO. IT BECAME EASIER AND EASIER OVER TIME. I'M BETH DELAUTER, I AM NOT PERFECT... I'VE STRUGGLED WITH DEPRESSION, I'VE BEEN VERY OVERWEIGHT & VERY UNDERWEIGHT, WE'VE HAD SERIOUS MARRIAGE PROBLEMS & FAMILY PROBLEMS. I'VE TURNED MY BACK ON GOD, HATED GOD, & TRIED MY OWN WAY MORE THAN I CARE TO ADMIT. BUT OVER THE PAST SEVEN YEARS GOD HAS COMPLETELY TRANSFORMED ALL OF THAT.

BEFORE 2008, I HAD BEEN PRAYING FOR HEALING OF MY PAST & THE EFFECTS I LET IT HAVE ON MY LIFE. I HAD BEEN PRAYING THAT GOD WOULD USE ME SOMEHOW.  LITTLE DID I KNOW THAT GOD WAS PROVIDING ME AN OPPORTUNITY TO MAKE THOSE THINGS HAPPEN. I HAD TO LEARN THE HARD WAY THAT I WAS JUST GETTING IN MY OWN WAY. SOMETIMES WHAT WE THINK IS A TERRIBLE SITUATION IS REALLY JUST OUR SELFISH EXPECTATIONS CLOUDING THE VIEW OF GOD'S PERFECT PLAN.

THAT BRINGS US TO THE OTHER REASON I AM STANDING HERE TODAY, TO SHARE OUR HOPE TO START A SPECIAL NEEDS MINISTRY. GOD HAS USED OUR FOUR AMAZING KIDS TO DRAMATICALLY CHANGE OUR ATTITUDE, OUR PERSPECTIVE, & OUR DEFINITION OF SUCCESS. SUCCESS IS NOT DEFINED BY WEALTH, STATUS, OR CAREER, BUT IS AS UNIQUE AND INDIVIDUAL AS A SNOWFLAKE, & ONLY DEFINED BY GOD. OUR TWINS HAVE AUTISM. THE WORLD CALLS THIS A DISABILITY, WE CALL IT A DIFFERENT ABILITY. MY FAVORITE QUOTE BY SCOTT HAMILTON IS “THE ONLY DISABILITY IN LIFE IS A BAD ATTITUDE.” THAT IS SOOO TRUE. WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT ABILITIES & DIFFERENT LEVELS OF NEED. THE BIBLE TELLS US, “LET ALL GOD'S CHILDREN COME UNTO ME, & HINDER THEM NOT.” GOD HAS OPENED OUR EYES TO A COMMUNITY OF PEOPLE STARVING FOR HOPE IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN WHAT THIS LIFE HAS TO DISH OUT. STATISTICS SHOW THAT THE RATE OF DIVORCE IN SPECIAL NEEDS FAMILIES IS BETWEEN 85-90%. THESE FAMILIES LIVE A HIGH-STRESS, LIMITED, & ISOLATED LIFESTYLE. THEY ARE OFTEN TURNED AWAY BECAUSE OF FEAR, A LACK OF UNDERSTANDING, OR KNOWLEDGE.

IN A DAILY BREAD DEVOTIONAL... TITLED “GUEST LIST” BY DENNIS FISHER HE TALKS ABOUT THIS, DURING THE TIME OF JESUS, HE SAYS THERE WAS A SELF-PROCLAIMED, “SPIRITUAL ELITE” COMMUNITY WHO WOULD NOT ALLOW THE DISABLED INTO THEIR COMMUNITY. THEY BELIEVED ANYONE WITH A “BLEMISH” WAS UNCLEAN. BUT IRONICALLY WHILE THIS RITUALIZED COMMUNITY WAS WAITING FOR THE ARRIVAL OF MESSIAH, JESUS WAS ALREADY AT WORK AMONG THE SICK, IMPERFECT, AND UNCLEAN IN THE CITIES AND VILLAGES. IN HIS TEACHING JESUS PROCLAIMED, “WHEN YOU GIVE A FEAST, INVITE THE POOR, THE MAIMED, THE LAME, THE BLIND. AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED” (LUKE 14:13-14). THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JESUS' WORDS AND THE GUEST LIST OF THE “SPIRITUAL ELITE” IS INSTRUCTIVE TO US. OFTEN WE LIKE TO ONLY FELLOWSHIP WITH PEOPLE WHO LOOK, THINK, AND ACT LIKE US, BUT WE ARE CALLED TO OPEN OUR DOORS TO EVERYONE. THE INCLUSIVE WORD OF GOD CAN'T BE SHARED BY AN EXCLUSIVE PEOPLE.

SEVERAL FAMILIES HAVE ASKED ME WHERE THEY CAN GO TO CHURCH AND BE
ACCEPTED, SUPPORTED, AND LOVED UNCONDITIONALLY. I AM ASKING YOU... WILL WE BE THAT CHURCH?