deck the halls with bolts & alarm systems

Like the title? ...yea, there's a bit of sarcasm in it.  Over the holidays we have seen, heard, experienced, & then some.  Instead of thinking about spending time as a family trying to carry on traditions we had as kids & planning time to be with family & friends, we've been forced to think about new ways to provide safety & security in more ways than one.  Devyn is very attracted to water & is now able to work the safety knobs on all the doors.  One day I was working on dinner & it hit me I hadn't heard Devyn playing close by lately.  I did the search through the house to find him in my bathtub in straight hot water, fully clothed (water heater was turned back thank God).  The same day, I went downstairs to put laundry in & Devyn figured out the lock on the garage door & ran outside.  Luckily we noticed right away & were able to catch him quick.  We are on to the next phase of safety.  We are constantly researching, asking, analyzing, thinking about what is the best things we can do to keep him safe & his twin brother who's needs are different.   Lately even my dreams have been overrun by concerns of worse case scenarios of Devyn somehow getting outside in the middle of the night in the freezing cold & the rest of us don't wake up to the alarms going off.  Ummm, this Momma says it's time to start working on getting a service dog.  It has been a weary holiday break starving for a glimpse of health & hope.  One fact that resonates is that yes, it has been bleak these last two weeks but it is a reminder not to place our hope in things or for things on this earth.  They are fleeting & can't go with us.  This time is about the birth of The Only Hope... Hope that one day the only thing we'll have to worry about is what fun thing to do together next!

The other source of concern for safety & security comes from the media's selective input of the horrible tragedy that happened at Sandy Hook School.   It tears me up inside, the losses of that day, & trying to imagine for a moment what it would be like to be in those parents' shoes.  Then, you add on the negative stigma being spread about Autism by the media based on assumptions & not fact & leaving out key points all because of a lack of knowledge & unwillingness to understand the true, fully-explained, characteristics & symptoms of the disorder.  They are looking for something to blame & pushing gun control & bullying special needs as the answer.  All it has caused is an undue ripple effect of ill-will, further isolation, obstacles, & harm to special needs individuals.  Autism is not the cause, blame & gun control are not the answer.  It takes each person choosing to live each day with compassion, kindness, unconditional love, forgiveness, respect, & contentment.   Here's a statement from a family that volunteers with Autism Speaks that paints the picture on the affects.  "At an early age I taught my child that does not have autism that he will always come into contact with people who are afraid of what they do not understand and will say hurtful things and that does not define what his brother is or what we are as a family. We are key volunteer for autism speaks and have worked over the last several years to take away the mystery of this disorder- So my 13 year old went to school yesterday...and was confronted by a 12 year old that he does not know to confronted him in the hallway to say 'Don't you have a brother that has autism" to which my child said "yes" and he was told "you know that the kid that killed all those kids had autism" to which my son said "yes - but that is not my brother" It is a terrible thing that has happened and the shooter is dead, however, the families that have a child with autism are left with the shame of what he did.The media should look at the way our country treats mental illness & autism, how the school system does not give individuals with autism the social support that is so critical- the media should look at how hard our families have worked to get laws passed to get access to care from our insurance companies only for the law to be regulated in ways that make it impossible for families to access support.... check out the autism insurance law in NY - find out from Gov. how many actually professional can provide care and support in the state of NY - the number is under 50. The media should be more careful in pointing blame to a segment of our society that is more likely to be physically abused, sexually abused, mentally abused and even killed by school staff and law enforcement because the person did not respond in a typical way. It is a horrible, terrible thing that has happened to our country- but please do not sacrifice the families and individuals that have autism- we are already isolated and stigmatized enough." here's a link to more coverage & awareness of the truth, http://www.autismspeaks.org/news/news-item/autism-speaks-responds-claims-media-linking-autism-spectrum-disorders-planned-violenc

Sooo, now I gotta play some clean up.  I've been reading over some journaling from the summer & this, I think, ties in....
  The "Blame Game" (Job 38:1-18), good 'ole Webster defines it as... doing everything but taking responsibility for your part in a dispute or accepting a situation for what it is.  Which then leads to "Grudges" (Ecc 3:6,Heb 12:1)- "Holding a grudge" is just holding on to the feelings of anger, hurt, & pride as a result of whatever offense that took place against you or the assumption of an offense. That's like letting a destructive tenant live rent-free in your mind...nuts!  Instead of playing the wounded victim or reacting with the first nasty retort that comes to mind (that never happens right? ;P ), take a step back, think it through, & reflect on self first (yea...you, me, & everyone in between). What could I have done or said that caused them to react the way they did? If it has nothing to do with you, then break it down...what is causing them to react this way?  What happened to them that would cause them to choose to do that to me? Adam spoke these words of truth to me early on in our relationship & I couldn't believe the relief it gave me & the healing power it provided over a past trauma (John 8:32). I try to use this with everything that comes my way.  It allows us to remember that "a soft answer turns away wrath" (Prov 15:1). This leads to confession whether you feel the situation warrants it or not.

Confession (1John 1:9, James 5:16)- is admitting or acknowledging something. Confession to God & others promotes a cleansing process...cleaning out the "cob-webs" in our minds. Kicking out that "dirty tenant" & replacing it with truth. This is an area where God used Adam's example to open my eyes. Early in our marriage, when we would disagree or argue, he would apologize or confess almost immediately for whatever he could have possibly said or done that I took offense to. Even the times when it was clearly me trying to start something ;/ A lot of times, I'm embarrassed to admit, I would be like, "Uh-uh! You're not getting off that easy! This is sooo not over! I am totally going to hold on to this for at least a day or two & stay angry & give you the silent treatment, even though I completely forget what I was even upset about!" LOL, poor guy...what a mess ;P I finally woke up when he apologized for something that he had no place taking responsibility for. I was just being a selfish, prideful dumby & I've been working on that ever since, thank goodness.

Forgiveness- to excuse, pardon, renounce. It's not a magical "one-time cures all" potion. Sometimes it takes choosing to forgive every time that offense, hurt, or situation comes back to haunt you from time to time. Put it in it's place, take that thought captive to Christ (2Cor 10:5) & replace it with the truth, "I've already forgiven that" (Col 3:12-17). Who am I that I won't forgive, when Christ forgives me over & over & over again (Eph 4:32). I read in an article from onechristianministry.com, "When Christ told Peter to forgive 70x7, He was saying to forgive until the end of the world (Matt 18:21-22)."

"there's no crying in baseball!"

I have to say after the message today at church & all I have learned about change through life experiences & choosing how to respond, for some reason today it's a bit tough to trip up the cynic taking a joy-ride in my brain.  Autism is kinda on my last nerve lately (putting it nicely), seeing the effects it has not only on us but on countless others.  It is equally fascinating & frustrating.  I just want to run up to the top of some mountain & YELL...  "I want to talk to my son!!!  I don't want to worry about possible escapes!!!  I don't want my boys to struggle with painful sensory triggers!!  I hate seeing them in melt-downs & aggravating behaviors & not knowing how to deal with it sometimes...especially in public!!  I am exhausted of the schedules & coordinating & trying to figure out how to spend time as a family!!! Everything has changed!!!"  Holidays are tainted by a few circumstances, we can't just get up & go like a lot of families to just go do something, I lost my favorite fishing spot & haven't caught a fish in 2yrs (ok, now I'm just whining lol).   Ugh, alright, time to suck it up DeLauter...  this gave me some perspective, check it out...

...As much as it hurts sometimes being pressed & chipped away at, I know it's only shaping me/us to be more... building character, strength, & a bunch of other motivational words I don't feel like searching my brain for right now.   It's not what I had in my playbook, sometimes I have to pull off a fake to get back into the game, but I know the prize far out ways the cost.  I have a husband that loves me for me & four incredible kids I get to spend time with in our own special way,  I have no doubt what I am here to do, & the goal is simple... to love & serve.   I'd say... I've got it made.

tackling "GOLIATH"

Tackling "Goliath"... fighting the surge of thoughts & emotions in dealing with some of the behaviors our Autistic son struggles with.  "Courage does not always roar.  Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow." -Mary Anne Radmacher

Right now, Devyn is struggling terribly with his eating disorder...here are some blips of our lives that we updated our facebook friends with... "Oh Mr. Devyn, I ache to figure out what is causing all of your struggle these last few days. Praying for guidance & wisdom for the increased behaviors, wandering, self-limiting diet, self-injury, pica, & unexplained fevers."   More recently we posted... "Our situation with Devyn unfortunately has not improved. He has actually severely limited his diet to cereal only, refuses to drink anything with even the minutest amount of supplements in it (needed to improve the deficiencies) & pica has increased. Monday we see the doctor to make a game plan. We are praying to avoid the feeding clinic or anything drastic, & hoping for dramatic improvement in the meantime. Please continue to pray for guidance, wisdom, & strength."

Kathy Medina writes in her devotional book "Finding God in Autism"..."The pain that came to our hearts when our son was diagnosed with autism was so strong it captivated my mind for about one & a half years. We are held captive by anything that keeps us from living the life God wants for us. I was captivated because it paralyzed me from moving forward. Autism not only invaded our son, it invaded our entire family, our entire life. It wreaked havoc with our finances, our time, our home, our friendships, our jobs...in fact it is so pervasive, there was not any part of our lives which it did not affect. In many ways, Satan won for a while."  I can strongly relate to where she is in this statement...mine was called "The Mess of 2008", an earlier post on this blog.  The info. below helped so much in making me aware & choosing positive coping. 

Accepting the stages of grief & utilizing spiritual resilience to cope & move on. 
Military & special needs families are no strangers to the stages of grieving & recognizing some stages are more severe than others, depending on the situation, or they can be very minimal. I am not leaving out that people outside these groups experience these things just the same, but like I said I am relating to what I have experienced.

There are 5 basic stages:
1. shock/denial- numbing your emotions to avoid pain.
2. pain/guilt- as shock & denial wear off the effects of pain, & thoughts of what did I do wrong,
                      or what could I have done better set in.
3. anger/bargaining- blame, the why me's, & trying to bargain with a higher power
4. depression/reflection/loneliness- sad reflection of what was or could have been, & possibly lead to despair & isolation
5. acceptance/hope- learning to be content with what is & accept it, & finding hope to move forward.

Which leads to Spiritual Resilience (what makes life worth living/life animators): Honestly, I connected with the pre-deploy & reintegration trainings through the military, Hooah!!. I really like the condensed, simple break down of our last deployment training because regardless of religion we can all relate to spirituality (understandings & beliefs that enable coping, comfort, & meaning).
He called it "The Big 5 Inventory":
1. "Forgive me"- owning up
2. "Forgive you"- let go of resentment
3. "Thank you"- counting blessings
4. "I love you"- acknowledging what is important
5. "Good bye"- let go of what you can't control

can't be reminded enough: 
Philippians 4:6-7

New International Version (NIV)

⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

check out Mercy Me's song "Move":
www.godtube.com/watch/?v=FJJEJCNU

Autism- "ask me, know me, accept me"

Great workshop yesterday with Pathfinders for Autism. A nice reminder that if you have a non-verbal child/adult, behavior is there first line of communication. This can even be true of verbal individuals on the Spectrum. Don't assume it is attention-getting or just a classic autistic behavior, rule out pain first...there could be an underlying medical cause. If he/she is hitting at their head, could it be a headache? Tugging at their clothes or refusing to eat a certain food or go into a store?  Think sensory overload, their nervous system is overwhelmed & highly sensitive causing a great deal of discomfort & even severe pain.

Another great reminder, be careful what you say or do in front of your Autistic individual. Whether you think they understand or not, they are processing that information & may not say or show a response but you will be amazed at what they retain. "You will reap what you sow." One of the speakers shared an example of her 19yr old son who is non-verbal. Every morning for as long as she can remember she told him, "you are so smart & handsome!" A few years ago at school he was asked to do a writing assignment describing himself.  He wrote, "I am smart, I am handsome!" I don't know about you, but that is too cool!

Lastly, some encouragement they shared in working with newly diagnosed families. They always say, "don't get down or disappointed with this diagnosis. You have an amazingly intelligent & intriguing person in your care that will touch so many lives & do amazing things in this world!" It is so true! The speaker again shared an example of her non-verbal son, that on the outside it seems like he just has behaviors & not able to communicate but if you take time to "ask him, know him, & accept him" you will learn that he has likes & interests the same as you & he can read in 12 different languages! How amazing!! It is a challenging journey & life as you know it may have to be redefined, but you will be a better person through it :)

Check out their website www.pathfindersforautism.org for tips, resources, & events. A link to their site is available on www.prayinwesternmd.org, a local non-profit that we are involved with providing local resources & upcoming events & workshops.

here's something to smile about:
http://www.thedaily.com/article/2012/10/18/101912-ent-katy-perry-johnson/

hope for a starfish

Hope in Action- Jer. 29:11-12, this is the life verse of one of my inspiring battle buddies. We've drudged the trenches together & I admire how even when she gets knocked down she's gonna stand back up boldly, brush it off, & press on. ( love ya, friend ;) )
"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you & not to harm you, plans to give you hope & a future. Then you will call upon Me & come & pray to Me, & I will listen to you. You will seek Me & find Me when you seek Me with all your heart." 

In the "Finding God in Autism" devotional, Kathy Medina relates this to her son. Claiming the promise that God has a plan to prosper him & give him a future. God does not make mistakes, there is a reason. She states, "Whatever God's plan is, it is perfect. No more, no less. Even though we can sometimes feel completely blind to what the future will be, we still need to press forward. Jer. 29:11 tells us God has a plan, but verse 12 tells us we need to do our part. To go, pray & talk to God, & do it with ALL of our heart."

Hope is the driving force of change & change requires choosing to take action. This reminds me of a story I heard called, "Making a Difference"...

An old man walked up a shore littered with thousands of starfish, 

beached & dying after a storm...

A young man was picking them up & flinging them back into the ocean...

"Why do you bother?" the old man scoffed..."You're not saving enough 

to make a difference"....

The young man picked up another starfish & sent it spinning back into the water. 

"Made a difference to that one," he said. ;D

"...his heart grew three times that day." - dr. seuss

Meet our Dr. Seuss Crew :D

Adam & I, Carson our "Cat in the Hat," 

Devyn(wearing hat) & Gavyn our twins...
"Thing 1 & Thing 2," 

& Nevaeh our "Cindy Lou Who."

If I could only express the priceless

rarity of this photo & what it captures... 

lol, I have it!!

An article I read a few weeks ago while in the

waiting area at the twins' therapy group, 

was about Matt Damon on being a father to 

four girls. He said, "The only way I can describe

it- at the end of How the Grinch Stole Christmas, 

you know how his heart grows like five times?

Everything is full; it's just full all the time!"

I couldn't have described it better :)

"constructive criticism"

Another FB post, a good reminder for my amnesia-like mind ;)

As a Momma of special needs children I am no stranger to getting "the eye" in public, or the occasional "constructive criticism" on how I should be disciplining more to fix the behavior or other such things. Living this long enough I know that they just haven't been blessed with the opportunity to understand the truth & I no longer feel the urge to smack them around ;) (Thank you Jesus). What looks like an all-out tantrum to them is really my son responding in pain to the fluorescent lighting & the whirring noises it makes or other triggers. 

On another note, accepting help in-home, stirs a bit of anxiety beings this recovering OCD perfectionist has no choice but to accept where we are in life (again, Thank you Jesus) a military, special needs family of six. Things can't be just so & that's okay...I am learning to be at peace with that, cuz we have bigger fish to fry. Still working on letting go of other people seeing & thinking I'm going be judged when, most of the time, it is really just my assumption or that I'm judging myself. 

Now for confidence, I am very comfortable working behind the scenes. God has other plans it seems. I've had to work through some past experiences & learn to advocate (stand up for what is true & right)& claim confidence in who I am in Christ. Best example coming to mind is Francesca Battistelli's lyrics..."I've got a couple dents in my fender, got a couple rips in my jeans. Trying to fit the pieces together but perfection is my enemy. On my own I'm so clumsy but on His shoulders I can see...I'm free to be me."

agape or "es-cah-pay"

another Facebook post from the summer... something I could probably use to read everyday as quickly as I give in to reacting instead of stepping back... I'm learning ;)

if/then love vs. unconditional(agape)love- many of us, at one point or another, have a self-serve love mentality. If you do this for me, then I will be loving, kind, & "maybe" giving back to you ;P If you read my mind on where I want to go for dinner, or read my mind about the gift I've been wanting for my birthday, then you must be the most amazing, telepathic husband on earth and you earn the "no-nag card" for a day.  Lol...yes, I'm making fun of my immaturity at the early stages of marriage. Cut me some slack I was a young bride. My excuse now is I'm human & yes, I screw up ;) The point is it is selfish & doesn't satisfy "The Golden Rule"...paraphrased, "treat others the way you want to be treated."

Unconditional(Agape)love- (pronunciation rhymes with Dory's pronunciation of escape,
"es-cah-pay" on Finding Nemo, which is ironically exactly what you feel like doing when you don't feel love) The best definition I know is from the HAPC volunteer handbook on 1Cor.13..."love bears all things (never gives up on any individual), because love believes (has confidence in the all-sufficient grace of God. No matter what the dilemma or sin, God is greater), as love believes & has confidence in God's ability to miraculously change a life, this gives hope despite the person or situation. Because love believes, love has hope, & because love has hope, love can endure all things, & when love endures, love never fails (agape, unconditional)!! This really helped me to see my marriage, my kids, & well everybody through God's eyes. 

Adam and I have experienced a lot of situations throughout our marriage, we've had highs & lows & then some ;) God has shown His mercy time & time again & not only brought us through, but given us an agape love!! The world's statistics say 1 in 10 military marriages end in divorce & the rate for special needs parents is around 85-90%.  We're beating the odds everyday :D Mark 9:23 says..."all things are possible to him who believes." Just like anything else, we have to choose it & take action & be self-less, not selfish.

"sometimes saying no means saying yes to something else"

God has ridiculously blessed me with amazing friends... those who know practically everything about me, even the darkest parts, & they never left my side & still put up with me ;) 

After a day like today, a day where I trusted that all would be okay if I walked inside for just a sec from where Devyn was playing in the backyard... "he's been doing great lately" was my rationale. I wish I would get it through my thick skull that you can never let your guard down, never. Devyn has a more severe form of Autism, he is non-verbal & prone to wander off with no sense of danger.  We have experienced a few elopements, most of the time we are just a few steps behind but there have been 3 now that have made us have to rethink our safety plans. One landed us in the emergency room, one involved a 45min police/neighbor/family search, & today, thankfully, our sweet neighbor found him within 15mins. Thank God for His help to focus & not let emotion get in the way. Once the adrenaline wears off, like it is now...everything floods in. What is wrong with me to think I could chance that? Why does my son have to struggle with this? Why can't I figure out how to talk to him & help him understand? What if he figures out the windows & the locks? Will the alarms be effective? 

Another crazy situation arose not long after the "Devyn incident" in where I should have exercised my "no" skills immediately. I thought I could help & it would be a good thing. Ehhh wrong!! I win the stupid award. First thing that hit my mind was my friend's line, "sometimes saying no means saying yes to something else." In this case, saying yes to using my brain :/

So back to my point, after a day like today...the one's that stop you in your tracks & force you to re-evaluate, it's time to pull out the resources before "Dark Alley Beth" takes over: reflect on encouraging words from friends, take the instant feed of negative thoughts captive to Christ (2Cor. 10:5) & replace them with truth (John 8:32) as often as it takes. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." That answers some of the "why's" & "what if's". Sometimes forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing, but God says "seventy times seven"...Matt 18:21-22. Phil 1:6 & 4:13 & 2Cor 12:9, shoot out the monster thought saying I'm not equipped or good enough. Now to squash the rest, Phil 4:6-7 says, ⁶ Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 

"let go of what used to be & embrace what can be." -monica

I think this phrase is best described by the lyrics of a song by Laura Story. It opened my eyes to a more positive perspective about situations that seem to derail all of our future plans. Like my sister would say, "sometimes when words fail, music speaks" ;) 

We pray for blessings, we pray for peace 
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep 

We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering

All the while You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

And what if trials of this life
Are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

encouragement from my betty :)

Dearest Beth, 

(statement from a speech therapist)
When talking to her client about her son who can’t speak yet: “Most children’s minds are like a highway. Their brain gets a message to speak or eat and it is a fast ride straight to their mouths. But your son, his mind is more like beautiful back country roads with twists and bends, hills and sunsets. His mind gets the message, but often times we take the wrong road trying to get to his mouth. All we have to do is keep trying different roads. We will find the one that leads to his mouth.”

Redefined

taking a breather for a minute to share this amazing & fascinating little guy. Autism & it's incredible complexity has completely transformed our family, it challenges me to my core, it has chipped away & pressed us to purge so many negative, selfish attitudes.... they definitely rear their heads whenever they get the chance, like it did for me last night. So I'm nipping it in the bud right now. 

We are still learning to redefine spending time as a family, learning to have fun in creative, out-of-the-box ways. We may not be a family of rock climbers or hikers like our plans detailed. At this point we have to have back up & bail out plans whenever we leave the house. It's not what I would have chosen, but it's what I needed...I am seeing a world that needs hope that I didn't see before. We may not understand why, we may be prone to jealousy sometimes, but we have been richly blessed to learn a depth of patience, unconditional love, & contentment. 

We are a special needs/military family, we are the DeLauter's, we won't be stomped out, we will fight to stay positive, we will fight for our family. We may not see a cure on this earth, but we won't give up...even if it means waiting for victory on the Other Side & we'll be rocking it!!! "The only disability in life is a bad attitude." (Scott Hamilton)

your test is your "test"imony, your mess is your "mess"age - carol (aka holy mazzoli)

My "Test"imony...The "Mess" of 2008. This is where everything past & future came to a head & exploded. The beginning of the year, Adam (my hubby) returned home from a year-long deployment just 1 week before the birth of our 4th kiddo, finally our baby girl! Everything was going great, we were preparing for our move, but still in the construction phase.  We were very excited to move back to our hometown, closer to family & friends. 

It seemed like almost overnight everything unravelled. The housing & stock markets took a big hit & continued to decline, the effects of deployment began to mess with Adam, I began to struggle with postpartum & health problems (of course, that could never happen to me :/ ...pride), & then the atomic bomb fell... the twins' were diagnosed with Classic Autism. Both boys, at that time, were non-verbal, no eye contact, hated to be touched, aggressive, self-injurious... almost animalistic. We began to grieve everything parents normally hope for for their kids. The swirling whirlwind of questions, doubt, & every emotion under the sun consumed me. I was held captive by my thoughts. I began to severely doubt my faith in God, struggled everyday to find hope in anything, became hardened, & built a hatred for God. I didn't respond well to say the least :/ My health continued to decline as my emotions spiraled out of control. I was sucked into a dark vortex of negativity & confusion, fed by every lie Satan could shoot at me, & it definitely left it's path of destruction on those around me. The light of truth seemed forever out of reach. Because of my selfish pride, I stayed secluded. My mind was tortured by past experiences & I struggled with anxiety, panic attacks, & PTSD. 

Despite my hatred for God, He sent His angels with encouragement, support, & unconditional love...supporting me & my family. When I finally unclenched my fists & begged God to show me the truth again, He did so much more. This is a bit cheesy, but at that moment I looked down on the floor & saw a pair of my Nike sneakers with the swoosh...the slogan "just do it" filled my thoughts & then I felt something saying..."Just do it, & choose to be positive". I felt a rush of energy, something I hadn't felt in months...I felt compelled to draw a word picture of the verses that were shared with me. A light went off and the truth opened my eyes. I still use this picture when I hit a slump. One verse in particular stuck out & brought me through each day, Prov. 3:5-6 ..."Trust in God with all your heart, even if you don't understand. In everything you do acknowledge God, and He WILL direct your path." I chose to commit to applying these truths every second, every minute, every day, & changing my perspective. It wasn't over night, I had to choose to practice being positive even when I didn't want to. It became easier and easier over time. 

Here's the big picture, before 2008 I had been praying for healing of my past & the effects I let it have on my life. I had been praying that God would use me somehow. Little did I know that God was providing me an opportunity to make those things happen. I had to learn the hard way & realize I was just getting in my own way.  Sometimes what we think is a terrible situation is really just our selfish expectations clouding the view of God's perfect plan.  

Here's a challenge... It's not easy sharing the REAL you. We all hit a low, don't hide away...let others help you through. Don't just hear the Words, apply them every moment of everyday. Put on the full armor of God, so the daggars of lies can't get through & you are prepared to fight for the truth. A friend reminded me once, "Let's own who we are in Christ." So let's face our fears, suck it up, & just do it ;) A favorite line of a song says, "It's your life, whatcha gonna do, the world is watching you. Everyday the choices you make say who you are & what your heart beats for." So, let's live each moment as a mission field with our choices...our light. Are you gonna exist or invest in your day?