Nov.2017: 6yrs out since the last deployment, 9yrs since the first. Another troop lost to suicide from the first deployment. Veterans Day, some avoid it because it just throws them back, not that they don't appreciate the gestures. Some don't want to be recognized for what they had to do. Some got out, but miss there type of service terribly. Some retired this year & won't get to enjoy the rest of life like most due to the effects of exposure and traumas. It's a mixed bag. All in all, I think Veteran's Day for many is making peace with it. Finding peace. That's our story at least. We took a leap this year & moved, for many reasons, but mainly for peace. To reintegrate(yes we are still), a new chapter... 20 year letter is in hand, college is done in a month. We knew it would be hard, no understatement there, but we are trenching it... pushing the line, & we will be standing tall.
Nov.2016: The Hubs isn't big on recognition, but he doesn't have a choice this time around. I wrote this blog post a few years ago to process deployments, all the changes we were going through, & for awareness. It's been 5 years since his last deployment & I get to tell you that WE MADE IT!!! We are in a positive place!! I am SO STINKING happy, proud, excited, & thankful!! This guy is my real life hero. He has been busting his butt working through the effects of war, fighting against haunting memories, & reprogramming our way of life. We most definitely had our scares, but we are here. All the suppressing experiences that were stealing his life, he is redirecting. As of today, he is working on his Masters program to become a counselor to fellow war vets! Through the process, it saved him. His 20 years are almost up. Retirement. What a sweet sigh of relief that will be!
To those of you fighting for your life, your marriage, your family... you are not alone. We know. We've been in the battle, we aren't free & clear. There is hope. Choose to hope. Dare to hope. Chin up... "Drink water, change your socks." You got this. We got this. HOOAH!!
2014: I recently got to punch my hubs in the chest! I guess I should fill in the blank, so here's the rewind… Adam came home one day & told me he was just transferred to a different unit in the Army, closer to home, & promoted to E-7! (Thank you Jesus for cutting us a break) A few moments later he said, "I want you to pin me at the promotion ceremony." Be. Still. My. Heart. I think I stood there like a deer in headlights for a full minute before I said anything & I probably asked something intelligent like, "really? you don't want to ask one of your buddies?" I'm full of shining moments. His reply got me deep down in my feeler, he said, "no, you are the one who has been there for me from the beginning." Gasp!! My Mom happened to be in the room too, getting a little misty. Alright, I'd be a big fat liar if I didn't admit I had to go to another room so no one would see my heart swelling & my eyes welling. Honestly, I never thought a second about it before. I figured he would ask a buddy he had been to war with or from his unit, that's the norm & rightly so… but me?
The day of the ceremony I was a little nervous. They ran through all the stuff I needed to do & that it's imperative that I punch him in the chest (what what!!) after I put the patch on. I mean I was just pulling off a velcro patch & putting a new one on but I was surrounded by men & women in uniform & well, I don't have a rank. So, I stood facing him in my Star Wars shirt, cuz it just so happened to be May the 4th (best coincidence ever!), took his patch off, put the new one on, wound up my punch, & then it might be on record somewhere that I did the Jedi hand wave while stating, "may the 4th be with you." ;) To which Adam so endearingly replied, "you are so stupid." Awe, we are such a strange couple. Anyways, we are really good at masking our real feelings… but underneath all that, I knew that to him I had a silent rank & I have never been more honored.
Adam joined the military when we were dating. After we were married, I was enamored… my husband, protector of the innocent, guardian of our nation & all it stands for. My real life hero, a Sergeant York per se… & I have to admit, I'm a total sucker for the uniform, but it doesn't always turn out like the movies. I was in for a hard reality of the cost those duties demand. Some of these men & women have had to do the unthinkable, having to take life to save lives. Their new normal is being in harms way 24/7 for months on end, never knowing when a bullet or mortar might be meant for them or a buddy, always watching their backs & those they serve with. They have to deal with losing a brother in combat or from the war inside their minds.
When it's time to come home, they may be physically safe, but they are not free from the battle. They may not have died in combat, but they still sacrificed life as they knew it; they no longer live in blissful ignorance of the effects of war. Now they have the time to think through all that happened, they can't just shut that off... it's overload. There is no finding normal again, it is living to cope knowing what has been done and what they are capable of. They have been stripped of peace. Some struggle to bond with their children because they watched kids over there being used as bombs or forced to throw grenades... they had to take young life to protect others. Some can't handle being in large groups of people or stores because they are thrown back into scanning mode & constantly watching their back. They have to sit facing the door in a restaurant to keep everyone in view. They seem impersonable & rude at times, but we could never understand the onslaught of invasive forces destroying their peace of mind on a regular basis.
The war doesn't end for them, now they are fighting against Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD). You can't just will it away, it takes years... a lifetime to find ways to cope positively. Adam has lost many of his troops to suicide, some with young families. They ARE NOT cowards or selfish, we could never imagine the torment of torturous thoughts they have haunting their minds constantly. They have lost all hope. Many families fall apart, it is oftentimes paralyzing and sometimes impossible for a soldier to even find words to explain what is going on inside them. It is equally difficult for their family to understand and know how to support when they haven't experienced it. The mental healthcare they receive after war is broken, talking to a psych who has never experienced war, who recites from a book, hands out a 10 step card, a bottle of pills, & "hey you need to stop drinking & being so angry." Drinking & anger aren't the problem... they don't help, but they are symptoms of a deeper root cause.
So what's it like being married to a soldier? Well, I can say we've been apart more than we have been together. We even have a song for it. I often get asked if I worry a lot or I'll get the "you must be so worried" statement, it surprises people when I say I don't. Not at all actually, worrying won't keep Adam safe or fix the reason for being at war, it won't help my kids stay focused at school or able to sleep at night. It won't add an inch to my life, it will only strip me of my sanity, my health, my peace & happiness… & definitely add more gray seeds on my head farm that's doing pretty well on it's own thank you very much ;) It will distract Adam from performing his duties well & safely, & will rob my kiddos of all comfort.
We do struggle with battles of our own... the fight isn't over. He still fights for his life. We fight for us. We fight for our family. We fight against temptations from being alone, reintegrating as a family after being apart for so long is a lengthy, sometimes heart-wrenching process, making time for each other & our kids, advocating for our twins with special needs, evaluating our spiritual/mental/emotional health, & willingness.
tugs on the heart strings
I want to drive a point home while we are on the marriage thing, cuz it's really important for reintegration:
No matter what comes into life, good or bad, marriage takes a lot of effort. I hate to be the one to break it to you, if you think it will be all fairy tales, gum drops, white picket fences, or it's job is to make you happy… you are in for a rude awakening. Marriage is about loving and serving each other unconditionally, a partnership. At some point stress, daily life, lack of communication, unexpected traumas, or unrealistic expectations for each other are going to cause you to treat each other badly. The sooner you realize that insult is a symptom to an underlying issue, the quicker you can dissolve your desire to react... in other words, emotional intelligence. One of my close friends, Laura, wrote a masterpiece about this very thing.
Restoration isn't always possible for everyone, if one or both in the relationship are not willing. It takes a heck of a lot more strength to admit we each have stuff to work on than it does to defend our pride. Pride goes before the fall. No one is above temptation or the need for help. Maybe things may be great in your marriage right now, that is awesome! Are you prepared should something tough enter your life? An Army Chaplain friend of ours has been going to counseling with his wife for more than 20 years. Not because they have problems, but because they want to prevent them. Counseling has saved our marriage on more than one occasion. When both are open & willing to accept responsibility for their own actions & issues, & willing to do whatever it takes to fight for love… the results are amazing!
Restoration isn't always possible for everyone, if one or both in the relationship are not willing. It takes a heck of a lot more strength to admit we each have stuff to work on than it does to defend our pride. Pride goes before the fall. No one is above temptation or the need for help. Maybe things may be great in your marriage right now, that is awesome! Are you prepared should something tough enter your life? An Army Chaplain friend of ours has been going to counseling with his wife for more than 20 years. Not because they have problems, but because they want to prevent them. Counseling has saved our marriage on more than one occasion. When both are open & willing to accept responsibility for their own actions & issues, & willing to do whatever it takes to fight for love… the results are amazing!
Adam & I have made it through very tough family situations: death of a parent.. family.. & friends, miscarriage, unfaithfulness, deployments, our twins' diagnosis of Autism, & the list goes on. Not because we have some sort of super powers or amazingly strong connection, but because we have both chosen (not so willingly at times) to seek counsel, dissolve our pride, grant forgiveness, & love & respect unconditionally. I can say with all confidence that we have experienced full restoration! That doesn't mean we are in the clear… we are always evaluating. None of our victories are because of us, we are mere mortals ;) We will be the first to admit had we acted on first instinct, we never would be together today. It truly came from counsel from others we could relate with, listening, & applying truth from God's Word, what I like to call God's Dummies Guide to Life ;) or in other words... spiritual resilience.
As for spiritual resilience and deployment, many have strong faith/belief systems going in, but after experiencing & seeing the worst of humanity they oftentimes come back with deeply seeded doubts & emptiness. Completely understandable. It absolutely made me have to dig my heels in to stand firm & decide what is true for me... for me. I will never impose my beliefs(not religion) on anyone else. I choose to believe there is a God, that He is a loving and good God, that we are not just a number but treasured & adopted into His family if we want to be, and I absolutely wrestle with it on a regular basis because we live a very challenging lifestyle... but I think that wrestling is healthy & human and exactly what is needed to grow forward. Prov. 3:5-6(trust even if it's hard to understand) & 2 Peter 3:9(that none should perish), help me in dealing with some of the things I just can't wrap my brain around, the horrors He allows in this decaying world... but truth is I don't see the big picture, so I choose to trust.
Okay, reigning it back in...
Well-meaning people genuinely want to know what it is like to experience war. I know it's hard to know what to ask or say. Here's a little help… don't ask, "did you have to kill anyone?" They don't enjoy taking life & don't keep a tally. Avoid asking "what was it like?" As safe as that question may sound, they might not be ready to talk about it & it puts the pressure on. Here's a suggestion, simply say, "Sometime, when you are ready, I'd really like to hear your story & understand. In the meantime, thank you for your service… I am a phone call away, here's my number." Leave it at that. Offering to just listen & being genuine is the best thing you could do for anyone.
One more VERY important thing, WE the military families want to thank YOU for your support. It means so much to know that.
Throwing some Bible in (cuz I do that)… "just listening is one of the most effective ways of helping others. This was the help Job sought from his friends. While it is true that they sat with him for 7 days in silence, 'for they saw that his grief was very great' (2:13), they didn't listen when Job started talking. Instead, they talked & talked but failed to comfort him (16:2). 'Oh, that I had one to hear me?' Job cried (31:35). Listening, says, 'what matters to you matters to me.' Sometimes people do want advice. But often they just want to be listened to by someone who loves and cares about them. Listening is hard work, and it takes time. It takes time to listen long enough to hear the other person's true heart, so that if we do speak, we speak with gentle wisdom. When we are thinking about an answer while others are talking- we are not actually listening." (David Roper, Our Daily Bread)
I have to give a shout out to my fellow Rosie the Riveters… it's an unspoken bond, no doubt we've got each other's back. We've vented together, laughed together, & competed over who's had more things break down during deployment ;)
Halloween costume ;)
"The Silent Ranks"
I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife
