The Silent Ranks (Tribute Update)

Nov.2017: 6yrs out since the last deployment, 9yrs since the first.  Another troop lost to suicide from the first deployment.  Veterans Day, some avoid it because it just throws them back, not that they don't appreciate the gestures.  Some don't want to be recognized for what they had to do.  Some got out, but miss there type of service terribly.  Some retired this year & won't get to enjoy the rest of life like most due to the effects of exposure and traumas.  It's a mixed bag.  All in all, I think Veteran's Day for many is making peace with it.  Finding peace.  That's our story at least.  We took a leap this year & moved, for many reasons, but mainly for peace.  To reintegrate(yes we are still), a new chapter... 20 year letter is in hand, college is done in a month.  We knew it would be hard, no understatement there, but we are trenching it... pushing the line, & we will be standing tall.   

Nov.2016: The Hubs isn't big on recognition, but he doesn't have a choice this time around. I wrote this blog post a few years ago to process deployments, all the changes we were going through, & for awareness.  It's been 5 years since his last deployment & I get to tell you that WE MADE IT!!!  We are in a positive place!! I am SO STINKING happy, proud, excited, & thankful!! This guy is my real life hero. He has been busting his butt working through the effects of war, fighting against haunting memories, & reprogramming our way of life.  We most definitely had our scares, but we are here.  All the suppressing experiences that were stealing his life, he is redirecting.  As of today, he is working on his Masters program to become a counselor to fellow war vets!  Through the process, it saved him.  His 20 years are almost up.  Retirement.  What a sweet sigh of relief that will be!  

To those of you fighting for your life, your marriage, your family... you are not alone.  We know.  We've been in the battle, we aren't free & clear.   There is hope.  Choose to hope.  Dare to hope.  Chin up...  "Drink water, change your socks."  You got this.  We got this.  HOOAH!!  

2014: I recently got to punch my hubs in the chest!  I guess I should fill in the blank, so here's the rewind… Adam came home one day & told me he was just transferred to a different unit in the Army, closer to home, & promoted to E-7! (Thank you Jesus for cutting us a break)  A few moments later he said, "I want you to pin me at the promotion ceremony." Be. Still. My. Heart.  I think I stood there like a deer in headlights for a full minute before I said anything & I probably asked something intelligent like, "really? you don't want to ask one of your buddies?" I'm full of shining moments. His reply got me deep down in my feeler, he said, "no, you are the one who has been there for me from the beginning." Gasp!! My Mom happened to be in the room too, getting a little misty.  Alright, I'd be a big fat liar if I didn't admit I had to go to another room so no one would see my heart swelling & my eyes welling. Honestly, I never thought a second about it before.  I figured he would ask a buddy he had been to war with or from his unit, that's the norm & rightly so… but me?  

The day of the ceremony I was a little nervous.  They ran through all the stuff I needed to do & that it's imperative that I punch him in the chest (what what!!) after I put the patch on. I mean I was just pulling off a velcro patch & putting a new one on but I was surrounded by men & women in uniform & well, I don't have a rank. So, I stood facing him in my Star Wars shirt, cuz it just so happened to be May the 4th (best coincidence ever!), took his patch off, put the new one on, wound up my punch, & then it might be on record somewhere that I did the Jedi hand wave while stating, "may the 4th be with you." ;) To which Adam so endearingly replied, "you are so stupid." Awe, we are such a strange couple.  Anyways, we are really good at masking our real feelings… but underneath all that, I knew that to him I had a silent rank & I have never been more honored. 

Adam joined the military when we were dating.  After we were married, I was enamored… my husband, protector of the innocent, guardian of our nation & all it stands for.  My real life hero, a Sergeant York per se… & I have to admit, I'm a total sucker for the uniform, but it doesn't always turn out like the movies.   I was in for a hard reality of the cost those duties demand.  Some of these men & women have had to do the unthinkable, having to take life to save lives.  Their new normal is being in harms way 24/7 for months on end, never knowing when a bullet or mortar might be meant for them or a buddy, always watching their backs & those they serve with.  They have to deal with losing a brother in combat or from the war inside their minds.  

When it's time to come home, they may be physically safe, but they are not free from the battle.  They may not have died in combat, but they still sacrificed life as they knew it; they no longer live in blissful ignorance of the effects of war.  Now they have the time to think through all that happened, they can't just shut that off... it's overload.  There is no finding normal again, it is living to cope knowing what has been done and what they are capable of. They have been stripped of peace.   Some struggle to bond with their children because they watched kids over there being used as bombs or forced to throw grenades... they had to take young life to protect others.  Some can't handle being in large groups of people or stores because they are thrown back into scanning mode & constantly watching their back.  They have to sit facing the door in a restaurant to keep everyone in view.  They seem impersonable & rude at times, but we could never understand the onslaught of invasive forces destroying their peace of mind on a regular basis.  

The war doesn't end for them, now they are fighting against Post Traumatic Stress Disorder(PTSD).  You can't just will it away, it takes years... a lifetime to find ways to cope positively.  Adam has lost many of his troops to suicide, some with young families.  They ARE NOT cowards or selfish, we could never imagine the torment of torturous thoughts they have haunting their minds constantly.  They have lost all hope. Many families fall apart, it is oftentimes paralyzing and sometimes impossible for a soldier to even find words to explain what is going on inside them.  It is equally difficult for their family to understand and know how to support when they haven't experienced it.  The mental healthcare they receive after war is broken, talking to a psych who has never experienced war, who recites from a book, hands out a 10 step card, a bottle of pills, & "hey you need to stop drinking & being so angry."  Drinking & anger aren't the problem... they don't help, but they are symptoms of a deeper root cause.  

So what's it like being married to a soldier?  Well, I can say we've been apart more than we have been together.  We even have a song for it.  I often get asked if I worry a lot or I'll get the "you must be so worried" statement, it surprises people when I say I don't.  Not at all actually, worrying won't keep Adam safe or fix the reason for being at war, it won't help my kids stay focused at school or able to sleep at night.  It won't add an inch to my life, it will only strip me of my sanity, my health, my peace & happiness… & definitely add more gray seeds on my head farm that's doing pretty well on it's own thank you very much ;)  It will distract Adam from performing his duties well & safely, & will rob my kiddos of all comfort.  

We do struggle with battles of our own... the fight isn't over. He still fights for his life.  We fight for us.  We fight for our family.  We fight against temptations from being alone, reintegrating as a family after being apart for so long is a lengthy, sometimes heart-wrenching process, making time for each other & our kids, advocating for our twins with special needs, evaluating our spiritual/mental/emotional health, & willingness.

tugs on the heart strings

I want to drive a point home while we are on the marriage thing, cuz it's really important for reintegration:

No matter what comes into life, good or bad, marriage takes a lot of effort.  I hate to be the one to break it to you, if you think it will be all fairy tales, gum drops, white picket fences, or it's job is to make you happy… you are in for a rude awakening.  Marriage is about loving and serving each other unconditionally, a partnership.  At some point stress, daily life, lack of communication, unexpected traumas, or unrealistic expectations for each other are going to cause you to treat each other badly.  The sooner you realize that insult is a symptom to an underlying issue, the quicker you can dissolve your desire to react... in other words, emotional intelligence. One of my close friends, Laura, wrote a masterpiece about this very thing. 

Restoration isn't always possible for everyone, if one or both in the relationship are not willing.  It takes a heck of a lot more strength to admit we each have stuff to work on than it does to defend our pride.  Pride goes before the fall. No one is above temptation or the need for help.  Maybe things may be great in your marriage right now, that is awesome!  Are you prepared should something tough enter your life?  An Army Chaplain friend of ours has been going to counseling with his wife for more than 20 years.  Not because they have problems, but because they want to prevent them.  Counseling has saved our marriage on more than one occasion. When both are open & willing to accept responsibility for their own actions & issues, & willing to do whatever it takes to fight for love… the results are amazing! 

Adam & I have made it through very tough family situations: death of a parent.. family.. & friends, miscarriage, unfaithfulness, deployments, our twins' diagnosis of Autism, & the list goes on.  Not because we have some sort of super powers or amazingly strong connection, but because we have both chosen (not so willingly at times) to seek counsel, dissolve our pride, grant forgiveness, & love & respect unconditionally. I can say with all confidence that we have experienced full restoration!  That doesn't mean we are in the clear… we are always evaluating.  None of our victories are because of us, we are mere mortals ;)  We will be the first to admit had we acted on first instinct, we never would be together today.  It truly came from counsel from others we could relate with, listening, & applying truth from God's Word, what I like to call God's Dummies Guide to Life ;) or in other words... spiritual resilience.  

As for spiritual resilience and deployment, many have strong faith/belief systems going in, but after experiencing & seeing the worst of humanity they oftentimes come back with deeply seeded doubts & emptiness.  Completely understandable.  It absolutely made me have to dig my heels in to stand firm & decide what is true for me... for me.  I will never impose my beliefs(not religion) on anyone else.  I choose to believe there is a God, that He is a loving and good God, that we are not just a number but treasured & adopted into His family if we want to be, and I absolutely wrestle with it on a regular basis because we live a very challenging lifestyle... but I think that wrestling is healthy & human and exactly what is needed to grow forward.  Prov. 3:5-6(trust even if it's hard to understand) & 2 Peter 3:9(that none should perish), help me in dealing with some of the things I just can't wrap my brain around, the horrors He allows in this decaying world... but truth is I don't see the big picture, so I choose to trust.   

Okay, reigning it back in... 

Well-meaning people genuinely want to know what it is like to experience war.  I know it's hard to know what to ask or say.  Here's a little help… don't ask, "did you have to kill anyone?" They don't enjoy taking life & don't keep a tally.  Avoid asking "what was it like?" As safe as that question may sound, they might not be ready to talk about it & it puts the pressure on. Here's a suggestion, simply say, "Sometime, when you are ready, I'd really like to hear your story & understand. In the meantime, thank you for your service… I am a phone call away, here's my number." Leave it at that.  Offering to just listen & being genuine is the best thing you could do for anyone. 

One more VERY important thing, WE the military families want to thank YOU for your support. It means so much to know that.

Throwing some Bible in (cuz I do that)… "just listening is one of the most effective ways of helping others. This was the help Job sought from his friends.  While it is true that they sat with him for 7 days in silence, 'for they saw that his grief was very great' (2:13), they didn't listen when Job started talking.  Instead, they talked & talked but failed to comfort him (16:2).  'Oh, that I had one to hear me?' Job cried (31:35).  Listening, says, 'what matters to you matters to me.'  Sometimes people do want advice. But often they just want to be listened to by someone who loves and cares about them.  Listening is hard work, and it takes time.  It takes time to listen long enough to hear the other person's true heart, so that if we do speak, we speak with gentle wisdom. When we are thinking about an answer while others are talking- we are not actually listening." (David Roper, Our Daily Bread)

I have to give a shout out to my fellow Rosie the Riveters… it's an unspoken bond, no doubt we've got each other's back.  We've vented together, laughed together, & competed over who's had more things break down during deployment ;)

Halloween costume ;)

"The Silent Ranks"

I wear no uniforms, no blues or army greens
But I am in the Army in the ranks rarely seen
I have no rank upon my shoulders - salutes I do not give
But the military world is the place where I live
I'm not in the chain of command, orders I do not get
But my husband is the one who does, this I can not forget
I'm not the one who fires the weapon, who puts my life on the line
But my job is just as tough. I'm the one that's left behind
My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man
And the call to serve his country not all can understand
Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free
My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do our kids and me
I love the man I married, Soldiering is his life
But I stand among the silent ranks known as the Army Wife

 Author: Unknown

Dear Void

Here I am, sitting outside on a beautiful evening watching my oldest ride his bike in his pajamas.  I think we both just needed to be outside of where we were.  I can't help wondering what is going on inside that almost twelve year old mind, how he's handling this unique lifestyle of ours.  I'm just really glad he's still cool with hashing stuff out together. 

It's the end of the school year… do I need to say more?  It's getting REAL up in here.  We almost don't need clothes, these emotions we are wearing are thicker than a wool turtleneck.  The pressure is on.  One of the major projects currently on my work stack is a big transition for one of our sons with Autism to a new school.  This is a HUGE undertaking, much like trying to win the mammoth 20 pounder, burger eating contest… just when I think I can't take one more bite, some sides get thrown into the game.  All joking aside, it's kinda serious & hard to digest all the life going on, not just in our family.  I never thought I would be in a position, asking myself, why do I have to prove to a room full of school admin that my son needs physical boundaries in order to be safe & play outside like his peers?  He didn't ask for Autism to invade his body.  I am not bashing the school here, so don't take it that way… he has great staff & supports.  It's not their fault, it's not our fault, & it's especially not his.  How do I help them catch a glimpse into our experiences & understand the seriousness of his diagnosed wandering?  The reality is, unless you live it… it is nearly impossible to fully comprehend or empathize.  I just hate it, period.  I have felt every emotion over it… "hello again, my old friend grieving stages, I'm so glad you stopped by." (said no one ever)  Then there is the unrelenting piles of paperwork for IEP meetings, summer therapies, grants to offset medical costs, & working on inclusion at church & the community… trying to pave a way for our kids.  Thank you God that these things are available for our boys & the many other families out there, but it doesn't mean I'm doing a crazy happy dance over it's greedy consumption of our lives.  The party just started & I. AM. OVER. IT.

Autism's wear & tear is getting bigger, more noticeable, more destructive.  Friends are dealing with heart-wrenching situations.  The stress is beyond comprehension.  To add to it, their circle of friends are falling away… isolation is setting in.  We are no stranger to this.  People are afraid of what they don't understand.  That is not an accusing statement, I totally get it & have been there, & revisit there sometimes.  We have friends who have to move away & try to figure this whole game out in another state.  Other friends are going on a special trip with one of their children, while their other child with Autism is staying home with family.  People like to offer their thoughts on that choice, despite the fact that they could never understand the sacrifices of being a sibling, or how haunting the choice is for Mom & Dad.  I was just given the great honor the other day of receiving an orthopedist's "professional" unsolicited opinion of why my sons have Autism when instead he was supposed to be helping me know how to support my deteriorating knee so that I can maintain the ability to catch my boy when needed.  Let's just say the more he flapped his lips the better my kung fu was getting in my brain theater.  I think I may start subjecting these random people to some training in social etiquette & empathy ;) Like this one courtesy of Michelle 

I'm gonna throw some spiritual in here, it's part of me... 

IN A DAILY BREAD DEVOTIONAL... TITLED “GUEST LIST” BY DENNIS FISHER HE TALKS ABOUT THIS, DURING THE TIME OF JESUS, HE SAYS THERE WAS A SELF-PROCLAIMED, “SPIRITUAL ELITE” COMMUNITY WHO WOULD NOT ALLOW THE DISABLED INTO THEIR COMMUNITY. THEY BELIEVED ANYONE WITH A “BLEMISH” WAS UNCLEAN. BUT IRONICALLY WHILE THIS RITUALIZED COMMUNITY WAS WAITING FOR THE ARRIVAL OF MESSIAH, JESUS WAS ALREADY AT WORK AMONG THE SICK, IMPERFECT, AND UNCLEAN IN THE CITIES AND VILLAGES. IN HIS TEACHING JESUS PROCLAIMED, “WHEN YOU GIVE A FEAST, INVITE THE POOR, THE MAIMED, THE LAME, THE BLIND. AND YOU WILL BE BLESSED” (LUKE 14:13-14). THE CONTRAST BETWEEN JESUS' WORDS AND THE GUEST LIST OF THE “SPIRITUAL ELITE” IS INSTRUCTIVE TO US. OFTEN WE LIKE TO ONLY HANG OUT WITH PEOPLE WHO LOOK, THINK, AND ACT LIKE US, BUT WE ARE CALLED TO OPEN OUR DOORS TO EVERYONE. THE INCLUSIVE WORD OF GOD CAN'T BE SHARED BY AN EXCLUSIVE PEOPLE 

 my favorite painting 

"there is always a place for you" by Hannah Joiner

                       

My friends out there drudging through the valley…  "Although full restoration may not happen in this life, the promise of healing is sure.  'God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.'" -Rev. 21:4   (Bill Crowder, Our Daily Bread)

stuff people say

Alrighty, I'm back… got some inspiration recently from a particular situation. It will probably ruffle some feathers.  Before you pounce, remember these are my opinions & actual accounts. Sometimes it's nearly impossible to truly know where a person is coming from through written communication.  You can't see their body language, hear their tone, or understand their background or reasoning.  Please don't take this post as an insult, read with an open mind… remember we are all clay in the Potter's hands, being chipped away at & formed. This post is for me too.  

Hope is like oxygen, without hope in something life is dark & seemingly meaningless. When we lost our first pregnancy we were advised by an all-knowing, so-called "Christian" that it was caused by sin in our lives…  thank you very much, that was the opposite of helpful.  Second occasion, when our twins were diagnosed with Autism… another "well-meaning Christian" shared that there must be some sin in our lives that needed to be dealt with. If I wasn't already so wounded by these two devastating circumstances I would have introduced them to my Chuck Norris roundhouse kick (cough correction) I mean, the truth. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE Jesus, I believe He rescued my life, & I believe the Bible is God's "Living Life for Dummies" Guide, but I didn't always feel that way.  There was a time in my life when I didn't believe there was a God, or that if there was I vowed to hate Him forever; I lost hope in everything… stick a fork in me, life was done.  During that time, I didn't want to hear Bible verses, or bandaid comments of, "I'm praying for you," "let go & let God," "you're not being spiritual enough," "it's all in your head." (Don't get me wrong, I absolutely appreciate people praying for me & saying it when they are genuine… but sometimes you just know when it's an empty gesture) Honestly, what helped the most were the people willing to get their hands dirty, just listen, offer to help in some tangible way, or just show they cared… actually cared. 

Sometimes I have a hard time being classified into the "Christian" category… it's got a bad rap. I'm not saying I'm better than the people who so graciously pointed out the speck in my eye, which in turn only caused me to question my faith in a loving God, but I do try to avoid saying anything that's end result is a fist in my word box.  I'm pretty sure, just my opinion, that hard times happen in this life because we live in a decaying world full of chain reactions from bad choices that sometimes don't even have anything to do with us.  Sh!#.  Happens.  ...yes, I said it.  It's our choice how we respond to those invasive forces.  If we would all be a little less quick to give "advice", or assume we know the right answer (we all know what they say about assuming), or "holding our fellow believers accountable" which really means judging (in many instances), it gives us a little more brain space to ask ourselves… "how would I want someone to talk to, or treat me if it were me this happened to?"  I know, I know, it requires some effort & seeing past the end of our noses, but it can be done. 

I have really been challenged by writer Jen Hatmaker's statement in her book, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, "what if we really loved our neighbors as ourselves?"  I mean really think it through… words are life, they animate our thoughts, feelings, character, where we've been & where we are going.  They have the power to either build someone up or tear them down. Unless you know a person well, their background, their beliefs… then most likely what you have the "urge" to say will just be a self-serving, empty comment (I am not exempt from this).  A friend of ours(an atheist) wrote this, "I'll pray for you" I've heard that a lot.  Every time I have heard that basically it means, "Good luck with that, you are on your own, I'm thinking about you....but not really." I would NEVER tell someone "I'll pray for you" I would offer help, I would listen, but if you know that this person doesn't have anywhere near the same beliefs as you, it is absolutely disrespectful. Not saying you CAN'T pray for that person, I'm just saying keep it to yourself.  Another person commented, "When people disagree with you and then say they'll pray for you, that is such a condescending comment in that context."  Honestly, I think they hit the nail on the head.  We all come from different backgrounds & have different perspectives.  Shoving our beliefs down someone else's throat, Christian-ese, the mind over matters, isn't the cure-all for what we consider to be someone's supposed brokenness.  

Over the past few months, everywhere I turn it seems like I am hearing a story about stupid stuff people say.  I know we have heard on more than one occasion about our twins, "what's wrong with them?", "Can you fix them?", "is there anything wrong with your other children?" …seriously people, I hate almost everything about Autism… but my kids are incredible & have taught me more about real love, contentment, strength, & true success than any neurotypical.  Soap box: We need to stop viewing our kids' accomplishments as the currency of parenthood, it takes the pressure off us & them (I read that somewhere).  I have a few friends adopting right now that have been told just absolutely judgmental & insensitive things, like… "you got yourself into this, you should have known what you were in for."  Here's a bit of advice back to whoever you are, GET YOUR PIE-HOLE FILTER CHECKED, IT IS BROKEN.

Alright, back to the "love your neighbor as yourself" thing lol.  Hope is the driving force of change.  Faith: belief in something or devotion to something, is the seed that plants itself & creates movement.  Voila!! Faith plus Hope & you've got yourself Love in action.  So, would you give a stranger in need your good clothes, your favorite clothes, not your "I was gonna give it to the mission anyways" clothes?  Would you give them your best food?  Your favorite diamond ring?  Would you give up one of your weeks of vacation to wherever to help an orphanage provide food for children in poverty?  Not eat out or buy special coffee drinks for a month & give that money to a cause?  It really makes me think about why I do the things I do or buy the things I buy.  Am I just trying to keep up with the American Way?  Keeping up with the Jone's?  Seriously?!? What is the point? ...We can't take it with us.  It's just crap lying around that I have to waste time dusting & cleaning (lol, who am I kidding… I don't dust unless you are a "special" person coming to visit).  What are we willing to give up?  Obviously, I am not saying I am opposed to vacations, or spending money on stuff… I am just trying to find somewhat of a balance, & the fact that I am seeking a balance is evidence we have more than we need.

Who we hang around, what we listen to, what we watch… it all has an influence on our minds.  If we all would worry a little more about who WE are & the example WE are to the people around us, what legacy we will leave behind, & not worry so much about "fixing" everyone else, it might just be a little less cra-cra.  

Captain's Log(aka,the Hubs): Taking Out the Trash

(edited & rebutted by Beth in none other than the color orange, font: courier, blah blah blah... carry on)

A few months ago a friend of mine was talking to me about his relationship with his wife and some of their struggles.  Those of us who are married know how difficult it can be, at times (gasp! who me?!?).  Unknowingly, I gave him some advice that proved to be a game changer for me; I think it helped him too.  Anyway, the idea is to take out the trash that clutters the relationship.  Similar to a garage or office… hint…hint (bite me delauter ;P this is the year, I swear) we collect things that are not needed or even useful and sometimes we need to get rid of them.  Put another way, I wrote a list of “Beth things” that irk me and then I threw it out (WOW! scoring points here).  I didn’t even tell her about it, until now since she proofreads everything I do (you should be scared my dear).  The list was not big things or issues that needed to be discussed but still things that I needed to let go. 

I will give a few examples (oh boy!! can you?!?).  First incident, she let it slip one day that I load the dishwasher “not-so-efficiently” & “it looks like you just threw them in there just to get it done” (said jokingly of course to smooth it over & plenty of “thank you’s” for helping out).  So upon hearing this I was a little irritated that she pointed out that I was not “smart enough” to load the dishwasher the “right way”.  My pride was a little hurt.  Why is her way the “right way” and my way wrong? (“not-so-efficient”…perception, perception!) So then I brushed it off with some jokes and said that since I was not smart enough to do the dishes the right way maybe I should not do them at all.  I liked where this was going.  So as I secretly pouted (I knew he was), nursing my pride back to health I thought about how many times I had something similar to say about her driving (say what?) or something else in which I felt superior and ran off at the mouth about it. 

Another example is her teeth brushing ritual at night (oh geesh).  I avoid our bathroom and that part of the house if at all possible during this sacred time so I don’t have to hear the jackhammer that she calls an electric toothbrush.  I have no idea why it bothers me.  It might be that it is extremely loud or that it runs forever (psht! cuz I’m thorough & want the rock star treatment at the dentist office) but by the time she comes out of the bathroom I am physically hot from being so annoyed that I can’t go to sleep & have to leave the room.  I know it is ridiculous but it happens, I am avoiding it right now as I write this.  This was number one on the list.

After writing the list, which was not long or even substantial (good save), as you can tell from the above, I threw it away.  It is not a one-and-done.  By that means, some things still bother me (moving on)…but most times we just laugh about it, and when it seems to get too cluttered I take out the trash, again (I am either really comfortable with who I am or completely devoid of feeling for publishing this).  We take out the trash in our houses a lot so why wouldn’t we do it in our marriage?  It has helped me to be happier, I wish it were my idea but it wasn’t.  This technique sounds dumb, I know, but the things that bother us to the place that we fight and argue are probably small, insignificant, even dumb at times, and most likely all based on perception. (& the hubs is still alive people ;) Phil. 4:8&11, 1Cor 10:5

Captain's Log: a soldier/dad's point of view

LOOK OUT!!! MY BLOG HAS BEEN INVADED!!! ;P lol, nope I just hit a dry season in writing & asked the hubby if he would take a shot at it. I know, scary right?!? Just mess'n, he's a great writer... & I swear I didn't put him up to the last paragraph of this post, which makes it all the more <3  All sap aside, da-da-dada!!! Adam in his Helvetica font... cuz he can't have mine ;p ...Captain's Log, Post 1

Beth has handed the reins of the blog over to me for a little while until I run out of things to say, or you get tired of reading it, or she finds something to say (not sure what will happen first).  First thing is, for those of you who do not know me very well, I am not as happy go lucky as Beth.  I hope I don’t offend anyone with my posts.  I will be expressing thoughts and feelings (barf) that I normally do not, anywhere …ever, at any time. 

I wanted to explain some thought processes that occur in a father’s brain when autism is diagnosed.  The feelings that follow, and, in my cases, the anger that ensues.

In 2008, just like Beth, when we got the diagnosis for our twin boys, I had no idea what autism was, what caused it, or how to treat it.  I thought that some magic pills or quick therapy would take care of it.  I was very emotionless when I found out, partly because I was just reintegrating back home from my first “lovely” trip to Iraq.  I had no idea what I was in for and it was probably better that way (I still have no idea).  “Fixing it” was my plan but I had no way of executing it (the plan, not the…. well you know).  I thought “no big deal, not sure what autism is, but we can fix it, right?”  To my horror, this mechanic cannot fix autism.  After the realization hit that I could not fix my sons, I became angry.  I was already angry from just serving a year in combat while others did not, in a war that… well… I may discuss that in another post… anyways, I was angry.  Then I just became numb.  Numb to Carson, numb to the twins, numb to our newborn daughter, and most harmful of all, I became numb to Beth.  I was powerless, confused, ashamed, bitter, and angry.  No one to blame, no one to fight, and no one could help.  At this point I wish I could say that I reconnected with God and He led me to a better place and all is well, but I can’t.  Combat and autism have brought me to the lowest state I could have imagined, even to questioning the existence of God.

However, there has been some personal growth that I would not have had if I missed out on autism (the jury is still out on the “good” of combat).  My measure of success has been dramatically altered.  For example, if Devyn just tastes a different food other than one of his six staple things, we get very excited.  Every time Devyn talks unprompted, I regain some motivation and even smile.  Instead of having a larger TV, nicer truck, a man cave, or any “normal” goals a man might have, I throw money at an additional therapy or something, hopefully fun, that all of us can do together.  I am not saying that there is anything wrong with those goals… it’s just not for me.

Another positive is that autism keeps me thinking about what is next, looking forward.  In the army I have learned to plan, and plan, and plan some more about what might go wrong with the other plans.  This has helped tremendously in the world of autism because I have had to fix things I would never have imagined before.  For example, the twins got a renovated room over Christmas break.  It was not what I had planned.  I am probably one of the only people in America that is putting up paneling while everyone else is tearing it down.  The reason I put up paneling is that Devyn hopefully won’t bust through it as easily & it should prevent him from chewing on something not good for him, like drywall.  This is just one of many stories.

Finally, it has kept me focused on here and now.  Beth and I have had to discuss the possibilities of inpatient programs and other scenarios.  We talked about when, why, and where do you draw the line as far as safety for the boys and the family.  We have a unique ability to discuss heart-wrenching topics very matter-a-fact like in a similar way other couples discuss vacation plans or sporting events the kids are apart of.  This is one reason that I am still angry.  I am not angry with God, the twins, Beth, or anyone… just angry.

I don’t think I have ever asked the “why” …however, I have asked on many occasions the “what now?”  Sometimes it is a hopeful “what’s next” but most of the time its “how am I going to fix that and how much is it going to be to fix and how do I stop it from happening again?” 

Unlike Beth, I probably will not be ending posts with an upbeat sense of the future.  There are times… most times to be honest… I just struggle to get through the hours of a day and try not to think about “what’s next”.  I have added a step to the grieving process, or taken away one, apathy.  It is very difficult to get out of when you have been stuck in it for so many years.  Beth is amazing and loves me no matter how bitter, angry, and apathetic I am most days, but I am slowly digging my way out.    

  Couldn't resist: Second deploy, on leave.

 That smile says it all :D

iKeA tHrOw PiLlOwS (a completely random post)

I may have a slight addiction to Ikea throw pillows …psht!   In my defense, on one trip to Ikea Funland… I managed to walk away pillow-less :O (only because the pillow police aka, my husband, was with me).  He just doesn't understand their purpose.  In fact, he believes they serve no purpose.  This post will serve to dissuade that way of thinking.

So why?  First thing that comes to mind,  it is a quick fix to my suppressed creative side ...granted, it's self-inflicted… eh, it still counts ;)

It makes anything look & feel more inviting…

 nah… I still hate doing the laundry

Last shot… when your kids' behavior & your emotions resemble "a chameleon in a bag of skittles", your pillow(s) are right there waiting for you to scream into them, hit them, & secretly cry into them (not that I do that).   They don't pass judgment… no matter what, they are always there making your surroundings look happier, ready to give you a hug, make you feel comfortable, & let you rest your weary head on them… THERAPY!!      

  GAME. SET. MATCH.